3 weeks since break up but…

Hey there,

First time posting here so I’m a bit nervous, and my story is going to be a bit long so brace yourselves, pour a glass of your fave poison and read.

I was with “N” for about 6 months, we had some little fights but nothing to write home about, it was 85% happiness, a mere 15% small fights. She’s the kind of girl who likes to party and i’m the kind of boy who likes the comfort of his home, but she opened a lot of doors to me, I experienced a lot of things in life, like traveling my own country!

So yeah, the thing is everything was fine between us two but then, 3 weeks ago we were meant to a friend of hers at some place, and I kinda showed that i was not in my element, she was very caring about me because anytime we were outside she kept asking “are you ok?”, and she used to ask me “do you hate me?” the morning after a night out.

So this night, I was really down, I didn’t even mutter a single word and she saw that. So when she drove me home (instead of her place), it was a quiet and weird moment. She dropped me, I said “I guess I won’t get a kiss…” she said “no…I’ll bring your stuff tomorrow,bye”.

So a few minutes later I decided to send her a message through whatsapp telling her that I was feeling down these days, that my week had been horrible etc and she sent me walls and walls of texts telling me that I’m never happy to go out with her, that my behaviour is out of place, she wants to be loved, no tolerated, that she was a “stop” to me because I couldn’t fulfill my dreams (of going to Japan and live there, which I put on hold for her).

Anyway it was an ugly text fight.

Tomorrow comes, I send her an ultimate message saying “You think you’re perfect, but your behaviour is also out of place, but you know what? I LOVE YOU THAT WAY more than you could ever imagine”.
She replied “I’m coming this afternoon to drop your stuff”.

She came, dropped my stuff, I tried to convince her (in a needy way, mistake !!), I said I wanted to change and do some efforts, she said “I’d rather become cold because I know I won’t make any myself” and she walked off, before getting in her car, I asked her if she loved me “You know the answer…” (which was yes, because, and this might seem super weird to you, my mom asked this same question when she came and said yes).

That was a saturday, no contact until wednesday morning because she had blocked me from whatsapp on tuesday. On fb message I told her “I miss you, I want to start again with you”
She said “I don’t know if it’s a good idea,I’ll hurt you more than before”.
I said “I don’t want to cut ties with you after all the good memories we share”
She said something like “I’m trying to think with my brains rather than my heart, it’ll hurt just once”
I replied “you’re right, I’ll do the same. i hope you’ll find happiness”
Her: “you too…”

This same evening, she unblocked me from whatsapp which was a good sign. But no contact that evening.

The thursday, she was supposed to move in her new appartment, so during the afternoon I asked “So how are things going? moving in?”
She said “not really goo :/”
Me:”oh crap, do you need something I can help with?”
Her: “I just need water and electricity lol!”
Me:”Oh crap,well we’ve got a shower and some juice if you need it!”
Her:”No, i’ll go to Elise’s house don’t worry”
Me:”all good. Hey, if you want to relax after this awful day, we could go eat sushis at that restaurant if you want?”
He:”I’m going to a gig tonight and saturday I have a pizza party planned, but tomorrow?”
I said “ok, no worries!”

Tomorrow(friday) arrived, she came pick me up, I was dressed the way I was during on my bd’s night, when we went to that same restaurant.

So we chatted in the car about random things, laughed and all, but she seemed stressed out (biting nails etc).
At the table, we had some eye contact, but she was mostly avoiding it I think. But it went quite well, I think.

She drove me home then, before leaving the car I just said “I missed seeing you”, she replied “That’s cute. Take care”.

Saturday: i ask her if she’s got some plans today, if she wanted to go bowling or beach or else. That’s when the thin ice cracked, badly!

Her:”listen, it was really nice of you to take me out for dinner, but I don’t know what you’re waiting from me and I’m a bit ill at ease”
I replied:”I just want to be friends, don’t worry, I don’t want to lose you” (mistake again)
She said, once again “is it really a good idea? I don’t want to hurt you and I saw your arm last time” (I burned myself with a cigarette, stupid I know).
Me:”yeah, don’t worry, it’ll make me feel very good, honnestly”.
Her:”I’ll think about it”.

Then no contact for the rest of the day, except for a “have a good pizza party tonight!”

At 4am sunday she sent me a text saying “sorry no internet (she has no internet yet at her place), it was quite good!”
We then talked briefly about pizzas and stuff,because she fell asleep quickly.

I sent her a message asking her if she had water and all at her place.
Her:”Oh yeah I forgot to mention, it’s working since yesterday!”
Me:”awesome, now all you need is proper internet”.

She then sent me a pic of somekind of router plugged in the wall and I said “hey wait a minute!Maybe all you need is a cable, i’ve got one if you want to try it.”
Her:”yeah why not, this way I’ll show you the appartment, i’m on my way to pick you up”.

She came, she was quite a bit distant/cold. I tried plugging the thing, it was nto working, I said I’m sorry.

On the way home I asked if we could go buy cigarettes, she agreed. At the store she came along with me and bought some eggs, told me what she was going to cook for herself, and I said “uuuugh, i’m hungry now!”
Her:”I can’t promise it will be tasty, but do you want to have diner with me?”
I said”yeah sure!”

So we went back to her place, had diner, talked about random things and all until 8pm, some more eye contact.

She drove me home, and then I kissed her cheeks, said good night and all.

Week 2:
nothing really new until wednesday (just texting here and there,ignoring me a bit).Then on wednesday (or thursday??) she was looking for wood stuff to build some furnitures, so I said “oh I know a place where we can find some!”
Her:”Ok I’ll come pick you up then so we can go together if you don’t have any plans.
In the end, no wood stuff unfortunately, so on the way home I asked “hey, wanna go eat sushis or kebab?”
Her:”…hmmm…Are you really going to pay for my food again? I don’t know….Ok but I have to pack my stuff first” (she’s housekeeping for 2 weeks so needed to pack her things etc etc).

We went to her place, stayed there for 30mins, talked, packed her stuff, then went grocery shopping, then went buy the kebab, then back to her place to eat.

After eating, we sat on the small balcony, I tried to get close to her (mistake), be kept moving a tiny bit further, ok… But When she was talking to me, she was always looking me in the eyes, she was passionate about what she was saying.

Ok drove me home, tried a risky move…THE HUG, it felt awkward as hell, but I got to “touch” her.

Anyway, Saturday I went (by foot, 50mins walk under the sun and rain) to her shop to fix my glasses. She was a bit cold. She drove me home after work and we talked, and then she said something about socks and flip flops, something I used to do sometimes for fun and she laughed at it before, so bonus point to her for bringing this.

Anyway from saturday noon until sunday evening, no contact, so monday evening I used the “memory text” thing saying:
Me:”Hey,i’ve jut started playing piano, learning Back To Black, reminded me of when you sang it at karaoké :)”
Her:”Weren’t you supposed to be at work? haha” (she avoided the memory thing)
Me:”Worked from home, how was your week end?”
Her:”Saturday,nothing,sunday went to a party/reception then played cards. You?”. (oh yeah, saturday when she dropped me, I said that if she had nothing planned, we could go somewhere etc…so yeah).
Me:”Started cooking for the first time, ratatouille then muffins! Then i saw the sunburns on my arms!! :(”
Her:”What?Did you cook in the sun? lol”
Me:”no,it’s from when I walked under the sun saturday 🙁 ”

Aaaaand that’s it, this brings us to today, no news from her or else. A bit of info: she liked a picture on my instagram (a boat on the rocks), and she saw my insta stories (cooking my ratatouille).

Last week she sent me a link “it’s for valentine’s day, but we don’t care, this looks sooo good”
Me:”yeah but we have order before. Should i order one?”
Her:”oh…next wednesday i have something planned”

So yeah, here it is guys, I don’t know what to do right now, going into 100% no contact? I haven’t apologized yet though, and would love to do it. I’m still an emotional mess but yeah…

Thanks for reading!