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These boards helped me so much 6 months ago, and I wanted to thank all of you for getting me through such a difficult time. And provide a positive update 🙂
In short, my fiance and I broke up in August, I went no contact from September to October (extremely difficult, but I made it 28 days), we started talking again in November, argued/hashed out some old issues through December, started resolving those issues in January, negotiated/reconciled in February, and now it’s March and we are finally in a healthy relationship. I changed a LOT. I have backed waaaay down with my points of view, I listen better, and I have grown more detached, less naggy, and less needy. In the months we were apart, I realized how much I love him and want him in my life. So I have adapted my behavior (healthily) to be a better partner. It’s an ongoing effort, but well worth it. We have no plans to get married right now. But we love each other very deeply and want to be together. That is enough for me, as I feel like we belong together. If you feel the same way, hang in there!! If your ex is worth fighting for, follow the great advice here and give them space and time. It worked for me. -AlexaThanks for your thoughts. I was wondering though just during the no contact portion.. did you guys agree to “no contact” or did you actually “break up and then get back together”. I see perhaps agreeing to ‘no contact’ as slightly different in that I wouldn’t expect the other person to date around…
so did you guys go out on a date or 2 with other people? Or just focus on yourself?
Hi OfficeK,
We did break up, and it was bad. In August, we hated each other. Which I realize now, just means that we cared very deeply but we were in so much pain that we needed to separate. While we didn’t officially agree to no contact, we both intuitively knew that we needed it. It was the calm after the storm. And I should note that it wasn’t 100% NC, as he would text necessary messages like “forwarded your mail”. We had previously lived together and I moved out. Neither of us saw other people. We both spent more time with friends and family, but neither of us went on any dates. I think we hoped the whole time that we would eventually work things out, but we really needed the space and time to heal, step back, look at the situation from a distance, and see what we needed to change. And I will admit that it’s a lot of work. We both have strong personalities and can both be a handful. But I am trying my best to get along this time. Also, I’m listening to Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, some other teachers, and questioning my own thoughts/belief system.
I’m really happy to read this. I’m happy for you! This gives me some hope as well. How did things evolve after your no contact period? Who took the first step and stuff?
Hi Lily,
After no contact, I was the first to initiate a talk. I think I literally said “we need to talk”. I’ve been pretty straightforward and calm, which is huge for me. The biggest lesson for both of us has been staying rational and calm and keeping emotions in check.
Hi Alexa! 🙂
So did you guys talk about the break-up immediately then? Would you mind reading my story and giving me your opinion on what I should do? You can find it here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/did-i-mess-up-again/. I would really appreciate that since you got back together with your ex. I’m a very rational person but when it comes to this I’m super emotional..
It’s really good to hear that everything worked out for you, Alexa! I’m happy for you. 🙂
I’m currently about 3 weeks- a month into my break up with my girlfriend, well she broke up with me. I love her more than anything, but I’m moving away this summer and we’ve agreed to meet up one more time. Right now we’re not talking and I’m going to be betting everything on that last [hopefully not :)] meet up. I plan on telling her A) How I feel about her. B) What I’m doing to change myself and improve as a partner. C) How much I want a future with her.
I’m not going to be emotional or cry during it, though. I want her to see me as a strong, confident guy who wants her, but doesn’t need her. 🙂I sure hope that if things work out between us again, it won’t take 6 months haha. But I’d rather it be that than never. We’ll see!
Anyways, good luck to you guys! 🙂
Lily,
I read your story and completely empathize, as you sound a lot like me. I begged and pleaded for 2 weeks after I moved out because I was in complete panic about how I was going to live without him. It was so emotionally intense. But the leason for me was, I HAD to learn to live without him, because I was addicted to him. I used to check his social media profiles, want to know where he was 24/7, I am embarrassed to say that I was super needy. But the months away from him taught me several
things. 1. I don’t NEED him to live. I can survive without him. I have a life outside of him and need to nourish that. 2. I don’t really WANT to look at his social media, because I always perceive it incorrectly. If he’s
tagged in a photo wearing a suit and his ex-girlfriend says he looks handsome, that’s okay. He didnt do anything wrong. It wasn’t meant to hurt me. It’s just life. This was huge for me. My advice to you is,
Don’t look at your ex’s social media. Let her go for now and focus on yourself. Meditate and ask what you love doing that doesn’t involve her. For me, it’s playing my guitar, which my partner didnt really enjoy listening to me do before. But now he’s actually been more supportive of it. Relish this time without her for now. It sounds like you two care very deeply for each other, but you both need space and time to heal.Conner, you are so much more collected and mature than I was at that stage. I envy you! I think your plan is perfect to stay calm and rational and confident. Show her your best self. You are awesome 🙂 This is an immensely difficult time and you are handling it very well. I seriously was in more pain from the break up than from when my appendix ruptured. Break ups suck, but allow yourself to see the bright side and enjoy your time with yourself and love yourself. Good luck to both of you, and keep us updated!!!
Really happy to hear your story, it must be because both of you really love each other, I envy that 🙂
I hope both of you is meant to be together 🙂Hi Herma,
I read your story and I can definitely empathize. It is very, very hard to complete no contact, but looking back, I see that it was a necessary step in us getting back together. I know how hard it is not to contact him, but I strongly recommend it. Just stay busy and focus on yourself. Also, I counted the days one by one until I made it to 28 days, when an opportinity arose to talk. You may need slightly more or less time, but the recommended minimum is 21 days, which seems like an eternity, but it’s important to reestablish and repair a broken connection. I missed him so much in that time, and it made me realize all the changes I needed to make to get him back into my life. Not sacrifices, just changes. I became a better partner in our time apart. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and now is the time for you to take some space and time and focus on yourself and enjoying your life 🙂
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