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My name is Conner and I am 20 years old, I will be 21 this May.
I’m in love with an amazing girl who I had the honor of being with for roughly 1 year 8 months (She will be 19 this August). She broke up with me the beginning of last week. Now, it was entirely my fault for making some really stupid mistakes..
Now, I do want to say I never cheated on her. This isn’t like that, but it’s still something I’m ashamed of.After we had been together for just over a year, which was really just incredible for us, we started running into some issues. Well, I started having issues. I made the mistake of growing complacent and comfortable in our relationship. And what I mean by that is I stopped showing her how much she means to me, I stopped trying to come up with new ways to show my love. This doesn’t mean I didn’t care, believe me. I love her with all my heart. But I think since everything was still new to me, I really didn’t know how to to any of that. You see, she is, well was, my first girlfriend. And I know a lot of you may instantly think puppy love, and that my situation isn’t a big deal since I’m so young. I’ve been told that you will always feel like this the first few girls you meet, and you’ll just need to get over them and move on.
My brother is an exception to the whole puppy love thing. He is about to have his second child with his first girlfriend, now wife. Whenever someone tells me it’s just puppy love, I look at how happy my brother is and I know it’s all BS. Now, I’m not saying it might not be puppy love. Time will tell, since it happened so recently. But I do know that everything I felt during our relationship, was genuine. I was genuinely in love with her, I wanted to spend my life with her. She was really a special girl. She was funny, and kind, and smart. And so beautiful..
And she cared about me. She loved me with every fiber of her soul with such a selfless love. She always supported me in whatever I did, and I supported her. She had always dreamed of traveling around, seeing and learning new things, and starting a family. It didn’t take me long after getting to know her to come to the conclusion that she was the girl I wanted to marry. I wanted to call her my wife, I wanted to come home to her every single day and see her smile.Now, I’ll tell you what happened between us..
Like I said, I stopped trying. Mistake #1.
That lasted a few months before I was finally able to show her the love she needed. But another issue arose, again, with me. I’ve never been able to open up myself to anyone, and I think I get it from my dad. It’s just hard for me, and I don’t really know how. This always hurt her because she poured herself out to me on many a sleepless nights, crying and confiding in me. And I was never able to do the same. To the point sometimes she questioned if she really even knew me at all…that really hurt me.
Even to this day, I have trouble with it..and I think it is something only time can heal..That was mistake #2, though I’m not sure if I could even have helped it..
Next, there was the third issue. I had grown complacent in where I’m at right now in life. Let me tell you about that, though it shames me to do so. I’m 20, as I said. I’ve barely taken any college courses, literally, only 1 class. My only job right now is being a bagger at a commissary on a military base. So I’m behind academically and I work on tips, bringing home anywhere between $5-50 a night. I play video games most of the day. Her problem was I cared nothing for my future, I was doing nothing to build one. I was content to just live at home with my parents, suck up to random strangers in hopes of getting a few bucks, and I was not taking my education seriously. These are all valid concerns. I know, trust me, I do.
Mistake #4.
this one is simple and does not need a drawn out explanation, it doesn’t need excuses. I made a lot of promises I wasn’t able to keep. I promised I would change numerous times and each time I let her down and I can never take that back..Now this has all been going on for months, I’d wager the last 7 months or so. I never fully realized just how bad things were getting, how close I was to losing her. She told me numerous times how I needed to start growing up, because she didn’t like where we were going. She felt like our relationship was coming to a stop, and she hated it. But still, I thought things would be fine if we just gave it time..dumb, I know.
Well, the final catalyst was rather small and pitiful. Last week, I was supposed to take a test to get my USAEUR license (I live in Germany, as an American, and we need such a license to drive here). I had been telling her for a long time that I’d get it, and finally, I was going to. But I called the day before and found out that I needed to go to an orientation first, so I’d have to take the test at a later day than I told her. The simple thing to do would be to tell her that, right?
I decided to lie, for who knows what reason. I told her instead that me and my mom had gone down there physically (The day I was supposed to take the test, even though we never did go) to take the test and found out we couldn’t because of the orientation. She was really upset with me, not because I lied (she didn’t know), but just because it still seemed like I was half-assing it. And I felt bad, and probably confessed the lie to her about ten minutes later. I told her I lied and then told her the truth. That was the final straw.
We broke up the same day. I don’t think it was the lie about the license, just the fact that I lied to her period. It was wrong of me to do this, I know, and I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. But I don’t think that’s what should have ended us..I’ve told white lies before and I’m sure she has told me lies here and there..but that doesn’t excuse me from my actions, for doing it.
She just couldn’t take it anymore. All of the above was hurting her emotionally for months, there were times she was afraid I would leave because I seemed like I was losing interest or because I stopped trying. She was deathly afraid of losing me, she told me numerous times, and I was too stupid to realize just how much I was hurting her..
Now, here’s the current situation.
We broke up the beginning of last week. Since then, I’ve made all the classic mistakes of begging, pleading, groveling, bargaining. Trying desperately to get her to take me back, promising change and everything else. But she wouldn’t have it. She at least told me that she still cares about me, that she still loves me. See, she’s been hurt before by other guys. She’s my first, but I’m not hers. And her instinctive defense to emotional pain now is to numb herself to all her feelings. And whenever I brought us up, whenever I showed her how much I was hurting, it cracked her facade and she began to hurt to. And she didn’t want to, so we agreed to stop talking for awhile. That only lasted a couple days before I broke that with an emotionally-written Facebook message. She told me that we need to move on, focus on ourselves and our own futures. That hurt me a lot because it felt like I was losing her. We were able to talk for a day or so, but then we decided to take another break. Again, I only lasted a couple of days before I sent her yet another message, this time not begging for her to take me back, but simply for confirmation that we’d be able to get back together one day. She couldn’t give me that, she wouldn’t. She simply told me that”Even if we don’t get back together, you’ll still have a future, you’ll be ok..” Those were her exact words.
The last message I sent her was on Tuesday, again just looking for some hope that we’ll have a future together, and she blatantly told me that I needed to stop sending messages like that. I told her that I didn’t want to talk about it right now, I wanted to leave it with her and whenever she decided it was fine to talk again, we would talk.
I haven’t messaged her, or heard from her since. I decided Wednesday to start No Contact and I initially tried to stay of Facebook, but I felt too isolated without it (Pathetic, am I right all you computer addicts?). But I haven’t contacted her yet.
My fear right now is I don’t know if she’s hurting. I don’t know if she misses me or not. I don’t know if she’s numb, and thus she’s able to go about her day completely fine while I struggling to fight down these feelings, to not let them show. But I deserve this I guess. For all those times I made her wonder about us, our future, for those times she was deathly afraid of losing me..I’m getting my own medicine..
I’m prepared to live my life for me, to build myself a future and to do what’s best for me. I can do that. But I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t come to terms with the thought that I may never again get to hold her. I can lose her for a little while, but I can’t lose her forever..I love her with everything that I am, I know that now. It may be too late though..
During this No Contact phase, I intend to make changes. I finally found another job, which I think God gave me as an answer to my prayers for help, and I’m going to CLEP out of my core college classes so I can catch up on those lost two years. I’m studying Business because it will land me a decent job with decent pay. I’m even getting in shape, doing pushups, situps and going for long walks. While I do all of this for me…
I still have the hope that I’ll be the one to walk the love of my life down the isle.
I can only hope that by making these positive changes in my life, she’ll see that I can change. And then maybe one day, we can start over.
I just thought I’d share my own happenings with you all.
I think that scariest thing about this right now is simply..I don’t know how she feels about me right now. I haven’t talked to her in awhile, as per the NC rule, but it seems from most people’s experiences, their ex is usually upset or mad. Mine isn’t, she told me herself, she’s not mad anymore. She’s just ‘numb’ and she doesn’t want to feel anything right now. So I honestly don’t even know if the NC is going to work for me, since she had been the one to suggest we stop talking for awhile, and she was the one who said we needed to focus on ourselves and our own future. I don’t know if she will even miss me during this period..
I honestly wish she was mad because I could deal with that, but I don’t know how to deal with her being numb..
Your last sentence. Couldn’t be more right. I honstly don’t know what to tell you because I am in even deeper mess myself. But I can perfectly relate to that last sentence. It is so scary wen they show zero emotion towards you. You want your girl to scream at you, slap you, but all you get is those beautiful eyes full of apathy… All I can say is don’t lose hope. You are not alone.
Hi Conner,
I am so sorry to hear you are hurting so much 🙁 …
I would like to tell you couple of things … About not openning up to others, this is not ur fault and you really dont have to open up. My ex boyfriend was also like you. He didnt like to talk about himself much. But i accepted him like this and never forced him to talk to me. By time, he opened up couple of times. And for me that was enough. You dont have to change urself. Trust me this wasnt a mistake …
And u dont really how to find different ways of showing her how much u love her. Really, i am sure it was enough for her to know in simple ways that u loved her…
In my opinion the main reason that stands out here is she felt u didnt appear to take responsibility for your future which she wanted to be part of… Its very important for a girl to feel “safe” in the relationship.
U mentioned u enrolled for college to study bussiness (if i didnt misunderstand). Thats is great. And you should definetly continue to focus on ur study. One day when u meet her again, u should be able to show her u can keep ur promises and that u have started thinking of ur future. Please do this first for urself and then for her.
I recommend continue to improve urself for another at least 1 month. Continue to make positive drastic changes in ur life. And then contact her after 1 month.
And please dont worry so much that she will move on so quickly. Noone forgets noone so fast. I am sure she is also thinking of you sometimes (may be not as strongly as u think of her..)
Please stay positive and try to focus on good changes in ur life. The rest will come by time. And i really hope she comes back if she is the right person for u…Thanks for your words, Ciara!
I’ve posted a couple updates since then here: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/not-sure-if-the-nc-will-work/
Once you read the last update in the link above, read this:
I ended up messaging her and apologizing for my loopy one I had sent her earlier. She responded and told me not to worry about it because it was slightly amusing. We actually had a normal conversation at the point about how she’s going to the dentist soon, and she’s afraid of needles. We talked about that for a bit, I made a couple jokes and then she told me that she had to go and she didn’t know when she’d be back on (If you read the updates in the link above, you’ll know what this means.)
So I wished her luck at the dentist and with those projects she mentioned. I told her that she was a strong person and I knew she’d do great with both things. I then sent another message about ten minutes later telling her to take care of herself because I still care about her and no matter what, I was still here for her and I would be praying for her. (I didn’t get a reply but I wasn’t expecting one)
So overall, I think that it went kind of..good. We actually had a normal conversation for the first time in weeks. I think if I can keep things light like this, we might be able to start talking again a lot sooner than both of us thought. And I think I’ll give it about a week maybe, but I’m going to send her a friend request again (Not sure about this yet though). Because I did it for some space, but if she is getting off Facebook anyways, I don’t really need to delete her. Plus I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with her, how she is doing, or when she is even online.
So yeah..
Hey man. I have sort of been following your story because mine is similar and I’m in a similar boat.
Anyway I wanted to let you know that I do think you took some steps in the right direction with your normal convo the other day.
But as a word of caution to help you not make the mistakes I did… just take a step back and let it come. Don’t be over-bearing or over-loving in any message or anything. The example I would use is just that you guys had a normal convo and then you sent a sappy text to her. I would highly suggest stopping that. She knows how you feel man. She may just need a little more time/space but probably don’t have to do full on no contact anymore. It will likely take a few weeks or more to get “back together” and will just naturally happen over time.
I’d say your next step is in several days reach out and see if she wants to meet in a casual way, then progress forward to an evening date. You should eventually have the convo of “hey let’s have a fresh start” once she feels more comfortable with you. But just don’t overdo it because that will potentially ruin your chances.
Hey K777, I do kind of regret sending that sappy one, but in all honesty, it could have been worse. And what you suggested seems like a good idea, the right way to go about this. While I did send that bit at the end, I’ve kept away from emotional and sappy things for the most part. Taking things slow is obviously what I have to do and I have to show her I’m changing myself for the better.
Now, a problem I’ve had this whole time is I was in the mindset of: “Okay, I need to change myself for the better to get her back. I need to work hard, rush this so I can change quickly and then next time we see each other, I’ll be a new man!” But I’ve realized that’s the wrong approach. I don’t have to be a changed man when I see her, I just need to show her I’m making progress, that I’m committed and serious about it.
Right now, though, I’m tackling a new approach and wondering if I should or not. And what I mean by that is…her parents. I disrespected them by not treating their daughter right (I’m pretty sure they hate me right now, but it’s more than this) and I feel like I need to make things right with them as well.
So basically…when me and my ex first started dating and for most of our relationship, I was on great terms with her parents. I went over to her house and we would hang out, play games, I would play with her little sisters. Her parents loved me, though I was very respectful, considerate and caring. Fast forward to about a few months ago. Now, while I really like her parents because of how cool they are, they often put my ex through a lot of unneeded stress and I would even go so far as to say emotional abuse. There were many, many nights when she would be in tears because of the way they made her feel, like she didn’t matter to them.
Well, I got angry after one conversation and did something I shouldn’t have. I deleted them off my Facebook, just unfriended them. Well, that pissed them off (And my ex because she had asked me to respect her and not do anything rash..yeah, I messed up). Well, for a month or so, I was on bad terms with her parents. They didn’t really like me anymore. But It got to the point where I just couldn’t let it stand, and for my ex’s sake, I started to make amends. I sent them an apology letter, explaining why I did it (Because I care about their daughter) and that it was disrespectful and wrong.
Well…it worked. They started to like me again apparently (My ex would sometimes tell me how her parents started making good remarks about me again, as they said only bad things when they didn’t like me). So things were getting better between them and me.
Then my ex broke up with me. Now we’re back at square one of my story.
So, I was getting better with them and then I hurt their daughter and so I’m pretty sure they hate me again. I feel like I need to clear the air with them more than anything. I need to show them that I’m not another boyfriend who was with their daughter, hurt her and just left. I need to show them that I’m serious about making things right, that I’m serious about their daughter and that I really do want to make things right between me and them. And I think if I talk to them and tell them that I’m willing to go above and beyond for their daughter, if I take responsibility for what I did, it may start to soften them up to me again. Because I want to be in their good graces before I attempt to get my ex back, because they are probably encouraging her to find someone else right now.
But I don’t know. Because talking to them straight up worked with the apology, and when I first asked her out, I wanted to ask her father for permission like an classic gentlemen. He said I didn’t need to, but my ex alter told me how he and her mom both thought it was mature and respectful of me to want to do that. So maybe if I can show them I’m serious about being with my ex and that I’m willing to change for the better, they’ll come around and heck, best case scenario, encourage me to get with her again.
But that’s all just kind of speculation right now. I haven’t decided if I should, but I just have a gut feeling it may be the right thing to do.
nah don’t bring her parents into your relationship issues. This stuff is between you and your ex. While her parents can play a role (i.e. they can try to talk your ex out of getting back you with) I don’t really think this is something you can control because ultimately it is up to your ex if she wants to give the relationship a new start. Talking to her parents could also be perceived as “creepy” and “going behind her back”. It was different when you were dating because you were talking to them on a regular basis. But that is not currently the case.
Just show your ex you have changed and do what else was suggested. I think you are potentially on the right track. Just chill out, relax, go about your day, and go forward slowly.
I never intended on using her parents to get to her, that’s not what I meant at all. I’m talking about making things right with her parents, that’s all. Maybe it might seem “creepy” if things weren’t serious, but they were like my second family. And they admitted that I felt like I was part of the family. So it doesn’t have anything to do with bringing them into my relationship issues, because like you said, that’s between me and my ex. Talk about my ex would just be to show that I’m serious about sticking around, that I’m not just another guy to them.
If I did decide to do this, it would simply be to fix things between me and her parents, not to try and get them to help me get back together.
Hi Conner,
I just hope you are not too harsh on yourself. Please remember that we all do mistakes and the bigger mistake is not to learn anything from it and not to make any changes. But this is not the case for u. You have made soo many positive changes in ur life and i am sure u will continue to do so… U should be proud of yourself.
I am sure her parents will also take a notice of this hopefully when u get back together. But i think for the moment its better not to contact her parents. The main point of nc is to give space to each other and see how life would be without each other. If u contact her parents, this isnt exactly giving the space she needs. She will see it as an attempt from u to insist on getting back together.
Please be patient, hopefully u will have the chance to have a convo with parents when things are much better with ur ex.I know u miss her a lot and for u every minute u spend apart is waste of time but u just need to be a bit patient.
Stay strong my friend. I am sure good days are ahead of u.(FYI, Never sent her parents the message)
Well, I think things are finally at a close. My ex messaged me yesterday and told me that we can’t be friends anymore (Or at least, right now) because she thinks I still haven’t moved on completely. Honestly, I can’t be expected to have moved on completely..she may have been able to, but since I still love her, it’s not that easy for me. And she told me up front that her and Bob are going to get together once he is back from boot camp. So it looks like my fears were confirmed, what with her hanging out with him so much lately.
She told me that she doesn’t want to give me false hope because it’s not fair to either me or Bob, and she doesn’t want me fighting for her when she is with him. And she reasserted that she doesn’t want to get back together. So she has basically cut me out of her life now, and she doesn’t want me contacting her at all. She said that when she’s ready to be friends again, she’ll message me first. I honestly don’t know if I will get that message.
So it looks like things having ended for the worst in my case. Though her and Bob may just be a rebound fated to fail, I’m not really sure. They’ve known each other longer than I’ve known her, so it’s not like he’s just some guy she met the other day. And form what I know of him, since I was his friend too, he’s a good guy. So I have this gut feeling that the next time I see her message pop up, it might be with his last name…
The sad thing is I still have hope, however small, that things will work out in the end. I still have this feeling that I should be the one with her at the end of the day. But I bet that’s just me having “false hope”.
But I’ve been thinking about it all and a thought has been running through my mind. So my parents have issues. My mom has has issues with my dad, pretty much the same ones that led to me and my ex breaking up, and she’s been with him for over 30 years. He’s made many mistakes and hurt her countless times, but she’s still with him, still trying because she loves him.
I made a few mistakes, I hurt her and now, she’s choosing to just walk away. I’m not like my dad, I have actually made progress towards changing myself and becoming a better me. But if she isn’t willing to give me another chance despite what she sees and despite the fact she said she loved me, it makes me wonder if she ever did at all. I’m the kind of guy that believes love is a sacred thing, so to speak. Once you find someone you love, you don’t stop loving them. Even when you’re apart, that person will always mean something to you. And I honestly can’t say that she still cares, that she still does love me, because I honestly don’t think she does. So I’ve been wondering if she ever really loved me at all.
I already have a suspicion that she was planning to get with Bob for some time now, maybe even before we broke up since she started hanging out with him all of a sudden. My guess is she already decided she was going to break up with me and so she chose him to replace me. There’s no other way to explain why she hung out with him as much as she did and her reason “I want to hang out with my friend before he goes to boot camp” never sat right with me.
But anyways, what’s happened has happened.
I have no choice but to move on now. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of this hope that me and her will one day get together again. Because despite all of this…I still love her and I still care about her. But I’m starting to think she doesn’t care about me anymore.So this will be my last post. Thanks all for the advice, but fate had other plans in mind.
Hi Conner, i am so sorry to hear that :(.
I didnt think she would move on to someone else so quick. I believe u are right with your prediction that she already had this thing going on with Bob. She test the water with him and once she was sure, she broke up with you. That is really awful of her (i know u have feelings for her and cant see it that way right now but i know u will agree with me at some point).I think you are a very good guy with genuine feelings and i truly hope that u find the right person who will respond to ur feelings. And if the right person is her, i hope she understands this sooner than u think.
Please keep ur hopes and believe in urself that u will find the true love 🙂
Lastly, please update us with ur good news when the time comes 🙂
Thanks for the kind words, Ciara. I appreciate it. All I can do now is move on completely and focus on myself, and find someone else. She’s made it clear that, at least for this time period of our lives, we’re just not compatible. So I just have to respect that and let her make the first move whenever, and if we ever do become friends again.
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