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I am really confused and need your opinion please. We are split for 5 months and all my attempts to keep in touch with him were rejected with lots of anger. We broke up (after his mum advised him) since in one occasion only I was nasty to him after he hurt my feelings (both of us playing a game which I started) so his mum convinced him that I’ve jeopardised his child’s custody). Otherwise our relationship of 2 1/2 years was the most happy for both of us.
Although angry in any occasion when I tried to see him face to face, he did not ignore me, opposite, he listened to what I was saying while staring into my eyes. Twice he was the one who initiated intimate contact even inviting me in his house. However he was so angry punishing me with all his actions and words, like he wanted revenge. Last time he said that he is seeing someone else but I suspect that it was just to hurt me. I know that he is 100% monogamous and he wouldn’t cheat on that woman if he is with her and serous about her.
Last week after my last gift (a book with pictures of his kids, me and him on our last holiday) he emailed me stating that he’s sending me the pictures back and if I do not stop sending him gifts he will contact the relevant authorities to complain. So far I’ve sent gifts to him/his kids/his mum twice a month in average. My reply to him was that I understand and he will not hear from me if this is what he wants. I also wrote that he will always remain the love of my life, I can’t move on and I have already tried.
There is something which I need to mention. He accepted every gift I gave him, even the last time I saw him. He took the Birthday gift for his kid. Then changed his mind and put in back in my car, it was the first time for 5 months when he returned a gift.
I am all broken but I cannot change my heart and stating it I really mean that he is the only one I can ever love. I am 47, I’ve been married twice, I’ve had other long term relationships and I have never fallen so much in love. I’m not going to move on, although I’ve tried. My heart belongs to him.
After I sent him that email reply, where I did not show any sign of hope for reconciliation, I went into No Contact. I decided that I must heal, kill that tearing pain and I need to change myself first before I do anything else. I can’t change my feelings but at least I need to become stronger and accept the fact that in order to change his attitude, I need to change myself first.
So after 3 days NC (yes, only 3 days) and 3 days after his nasty email threatening me with authorities I received a short email from him saying that he thanks me for my understanding, that he hopes that I’ve received the pictures back (I think he’s kept the pictures) and that it is a pity that those pictures were not the ones he was hoping for (last time we were together he asked me for naughty pictures). This was the first time in 5 months when he initiated contact and there was definitely a tease in his words. He was trying to provoke me. I didn’t reply to this email which was sent early in the afternoon. The same day late night I received another email from him and he was playing a game teasing me. And now I am confused.
As I said he is 100% monogamous. If he is seeing someone else why doesn’t he play his games with her? I understand that it might be that he knows that he can play that game with me only but it is still not enough reason to break his rule and initiate contact. How could he be so nasty 3 days ago and then initiated contact for first time ever in 5 months? I know it is just a playful contact but it is not at all in his nature. He is not a naughty boy playing games. He is a 48 years old serious man. I did not reply to his second email too. First of all I am in active NC working on myself and second it is not a normal message from him. I do not know what to think and how to react. Two days have passed already and I haven’t replied back. If it was a normal message I would send something back just to let him know that I am healing myself, but this one is confusing. Is it because he’s been so stubborn for so long time and this is just a way to show me that not everything between us is dead?
If you have read so far thank you for being interested in my story. I would be happy to hear back with your opinion. Do you think that I should reply and how? Should I just tell him that I am trying to heal myself and concentrating on my children and my work? Will he think that I am still too soft whatever I reply, or if I don’t reply at all he will think that I am rude and will decide to never contact me again?
Thanks in advance to everyone for any comment!Hi I can understand your pain but it sounds to me he’s toying with your emotions for his own enjoyment because he’s just as confused and likes to see if you bite the bait as in still care for him. I don’t think you should contact him at all to tell him you’re working on yourself because he won’t understand and will sabotage it and play more on your emotions because he’s selfish and only cares if he still has you. I think you should finish out your no contact at least try it and if it’s meant to be with you apart because you’re afraid you’ll lose him the. Let it be but you’ll be that much stronger because you’re working on yourself 🙂
I think you should not reply to his emails. If he really wants an answer, he can call or text on ur mobile. Its time for u to be a bit tougher on him. He threatened u on contacting authorities!…please dont soften up easily after he said this to u. Because if one day u manage to get back together, he will always feel that u are the easy target and treat u bad.
I recommend ignore him for at least 1.5 months. What he said was very very harsh and unacceptable.
In my opinion the reason why he is doing this is because after 3 days he has the time to reflect on what he said to u and how much this must have hurt u… If he really loves u, he will come back. But when he does, u should put the ground rules on the table and make sure he doesnt hurt u again.
please do ur best to stick to ur nc plan. When u feel desperate to contact him, remind urself that this time apart might be temporary for the beginning of a more solid and strong relationship. Stay strong.Newgirl and Jasminka,
Thank you so much for your replies! I agree with both of you.
The sad thing is that while I was waiting to hear an opinion (4 hours, yes funny) I got into my soft mood again and wrote back to him. Then a conversation started and he tried everything possible to boost his ego again and again. He really thinks that he’s having me on a string. Yes, I am very soft and a loving person (so he was in our relationship). He’s got some much anger that he looks a completely different man now. I am actually worried about his health. I don’t think he realises that what he does to me he does it to himself too, he said some unforgivable things. One is for sure, if he didn’t feel anything for me, he wouldn’t be so mad at me. I know I deserve punishment but not forever. I need to stop this.
I now start a new NC period and this time I’m not going to spoil it. Like Jasminka said it will be for a very long time, I don’t know if I will ever try to contact him again as I believe that he owes me a huge apology. By the way I just found out that he’s joined a dating website (without a photo). It makes me think that what he said about seeing someone else was simply a big fat lie.
Now I am angry too. It doesn’t seem that anything I do for him can change a thing.
I wished I could see him finding someone else to replace me (at least as good as me). Good luck to him!
Thanks again for your advice girls!
I would still be happy to hear more from you.
I can be stubborn too and to be strong I owe you this favour.
What a pity for such a beautiful relationship like ours. Maybe one day he’ll realise what a mistake he’s made.Just an update. I restarted my NC period. I did not reply to his last nasty text. He’s blocked me on Facebook but I don’t care. I believe that he’s trying to provoke me to act but I simply remain silent. Next day after he’s blocked me I received an email from him saying to let him know if I change my mind. However this email is still not polite enough and kind of big headed.
I keep reading different sources about NC rule and am very confused. Please read the following:
“… There is a good chance that your ex will contact you
during the no contact period. It’s okay if they do so,
you can talk to them. Just don’t become too friendly
and start talking about your personal life.When you are in the no contact period, treat your ex
like an acquaintance who you are in good terms with you.
Don’t try to be very friendly with them, and don’t be
rude to them. If you have to talk, be amicable but don’t
get too personal.”There is some contradiction. If I am in NC, why should I talk to him, even politely? I did that the last time and the result was a disaster.
So I am not contacting him, I’m not replying him with one word ignoring him for a long time. Then the confusion comes again. When I decide to end my NC period wouldn’t be strange if I initiate contact? It will be like both of us playing cat and mouse.
I wished if someone could explain to me this NC rule.Thank you again.
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