She (19F) needs time for herself after 10 month relationship with me (20M)

Hi everyone, first of all I want to apologise in case I make any English mistakes, it’s not my first language. That being said, I’ll describe my situation chronically.

For this we have to go back to HER youth where she was a speedskater at international level (at age 11-14). This was her life, her passion and that’s what she identified herself as: a professional speedskater. One day she was hit by a bus and she couldn’t skate again and she developed an anorexic disorder because then she felt she had something to be good at again (not eating), which she now knows is a f*cked up thought, but she told me when you’re anorexic you’re not thinking straight. After years of therapy she finally overwon her disorder in the fall of 2013 (when she was 18), she moved out of the city (let’s call it A-town) to start college in a city 100km away (let’s call that B-town).

Now with this introduction in mind, we fastforward a few months to march 2014 when we first met and started dating. I now live in A-town where I go to university and we saw each other in the weekends where she would come home to her parents. We had this amazing connection and after a two months we made it official. She didn’t told me about her past until june and I was shocked to hear it but glad she trusted me enough to share this with. Months went by and we were happy and eventually the puppy love phase wore off and we had a few little arguments (mainly about her doing partydrugs which I didn’t really like and some minor trust issues from my side) but we worked it out and managed. Our relationship was steady (for how I experienced it) until the end of january this year where I felt she was suddenly distant and I felt something was wrong.

A week later it all came out during an argument what was really bothering her. She felt that the relationship confined her in what she wants to do. She told me she didn’t feel she had time for herself because she wants to do so much at the same time, she has her college, work, sports and own social life in B-town from monday-friday. Then she felt that she needs to come to A-town to see me. I’ve been to B-town a few times in the weekends but I always thought she also came to A-town for her parents, dogs and friends in this city. I always make time so we can see each other in weekends and she feels she can’t always come true to my expectations and feels this is unfair for me. Also because of her anorexia tying her down in the past, she now feels that she can’t really live life fully with the relationship tying her down. She feels like she hasn’t explored life herself. It’s not about other guys (which was my initial thought) but more the fact that she always has to consider me in every decision (where she goes in the weekends, where to spend money on etc). Imo she could still explore life with me by her side but she disagreed about this. Besides this there was a bigger problem, which is that she has a lot of issues with her self. She’s not sure about who she is, what she wants etc. She told me that she can’t let me love her if she doesn’t love herself and all that.. I suggested that we had a (no contact) break for a week and see what she felt like then.

After that week of no contact she told me she felt her head was a bit clearer and that she can’t continue the relationship. We talked for hours and she said she still wanted me in her life but I told her I can’t do that with all the feelings I still have for her. She then asked me if I wanted to e-mail about our feelings and I did this for two days but I ended this as well because I told her it’s making me lose my sanity and if this is what she truly wants that I need to avoid all contact to move on.. Interesting side note her is that in those e-mails she mentioned that she felt I was the perfect partner for her and she feels like I’m her soulmate but I just came too early in her life and that maybe one day we would work again.

So going to the present, that break-up was 11 days go and I feel confused and in doubt. Ofcourse I want to respect her wish and give her the time/space she needs. I miss her like hell but I realise that forcing things now won’t work for either of us. I’m also trying to work on myself and become happy again without her.

But the problem is that we broke up on good terms, we still love each other and care a lot about each other and we’re not angry at each other what so ever, so accepting this feels impossible right now. I know she still cares because she asked my mum how I am dealing with it and sometimes sends me snapchats. I’m in doubt whether I should keep hope and contact her again in a few weeks (maybe wait until her birthday in April and then just ask her how her life is etc.) or really should rule out any possibilites to get back together so I could truly move on.. Also, since I know she is very indecisive and not knowing what she wants I feel that this can work out eventually when she has sorted everything out for herself but I don’t think it’s healthy for me to clinge on to that hope.

There is one thing I should add here and that is that we have different future plans for where we want to live. I don’t really care where that is, as long it’s relatively close to where I grew up so I can see my friends and family. We sometimes talked about the future and she told me she loves the city I grew up and could picture herself living there for a few years, but her ultimate dream is to live in Berlin (which is about 500km away from A-town). She told me she would like to study a year abroad there and if she likes it there as much as she expects now, wants to stay there.. Now with her indecisiveness I’m not sure she will think about this the same way in a year from now, she shifts from interests rather quickly and this is about the only thing she seems sure she wants. For myself I don’t know if I want to live in Berlin or not, I like the city a lot and we’ve spend a week there on vacation which was great, but for now I can’t really picture myself living there.

So yeah thats basically it. Some of my friends who know her say that we are a really good couple together and they believe that we will work again and advise me to just focus on myself right now and let her figure it out for a few months while others advise me to completely let her go so the healing process can start now already and not after a few months in case she decides that she needs more time then.

I’m curious about what you guys think about my situation, if you need anymore info feel free to ask. Thanks in advance.

TL;DR My (now ex)girlfriend has issues with herself and I don’t know how to move on/what to do now.