Can’t make sense of it. Breaking the record for longest post on this Board?

I’m not going to be able to make this short by any means. Seriously you should hit the back button now. If not, get some popcorn and a soda, If you read through it all and offer some thoughtful insight, stop by the metro New York area for dinner on me, promise. I reread it all and timed myself. I took 45 minutes to read, soooo yeah, steer clear, I’m not a fast reader really but I know the story, so if you are an average reader that will probably be about right. Here it goes……

Also, I’m writing this for me, if no one ever reads it I’m okay with it, I’m just out of places to turn and this is a new outlet instead of being dumb and doing something rash. I have found writing to be really helpful lately.

It’s very long, painfully long. And very painful, for the long time it took to compose this. Just writing my story feels important, and beneficial to me. I wish I found this program and site 2 months ago. I’m here now and hopeful, but signs and my initial approach might not be good. I’m sure many people might view this and not answer or not read it all the way through, thats okay. Thank you for stopping to look and I hope your situation, if you are on this board for a similar one, is improving and you are doing better.

And I hope all the people out there keep up the helpfulness, I’m going to try to give back on this board too. And hopefully be telling a success story as well.

Believe me I can make this 10 times longer and tell the details of the our dating life beginning to end, my mind is a steel trap. I won’t, but I will include lots of detail to hopefully help you understand the way she felt about me, and understand it’s not just me distorting what we had. Lots of it sounds too good to be true. I promise this is all the truth. My parents have had a “too good to be true” relationship for 40 years. They exist. They have misunderstanding and fights. But they also are many times to seem like stuff of stories. So I know they are real. I have known her for near a year and officially dated for 9 of those months. The other months we were still seeing each other as much as we could though.

I’m 25 and I’m very traditional when it comes to dating and the things I look for in a woman and in life. This inherently makes dating in a metro-suburban area very difficult, nothing against the inhabitants of cities, but most are not like me, most are hip and look for different values in relationships and life. I live and prepare for the future, not so much the moment. I open car doors always, I say ma’am, I always pay for the date, I prefer to pick her up at her house and knock on the door. I know women don’t really look for that, or even care for it anymore, but it’s the way I am and I don’t plan on changing.

In the past 8 years I’ve been dating, out of the possibly hundreds of women I talked to via dating sites and apps, I’ve gotten along with just about all of them, but only hit it off and met in person with maybe 20 of them. And furthermore only felt it right to pursue a relationship with 3 of them.

Those first 2 relationships went well enough in the beginning, I was excited, felt strong attraction. One woman cheated on me after a year together, we had our differences all along and I knew deep down that wasn’t the woman for me, I was okay after some short time. Getting cheated on gives something to hate about a person to attempt to move on. I hate nothing about my latest ex, she was nice til the end.

The next was odd, I travel for work and at times I’m not home much. We dated for 4 months, but I only saw her 3 times in that time period. Things were still growing, we talked everyday. In a way it was a long distance relationship. This progressed very well, she told me often how things were great. She would send selfies often and we never had a disagreement. One day I send a picture of myself which was pretty rare, she sent far more to me than I did to her. That’s just the way I am, she more than understood that. But when I did send this picture she replied “I’ve never been so in love”. I knew her personality well and that was sincere, she wasn’t the joking type and she chose her words carefully always. I was shocked by it, I didn’t think we were at that level at all, I wasn’t, although things were going so well I may have been with some more time, but I wasn’t. It was flattering, it was a secure and controlling feeling, knowing that for once someone was more into me than I was to them at the moment. I did reply to that message, telling her that I had never been so in love myself, and she was so special to me. Even though that first half was a stretch, things were going too well to make it awkward. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I knew my feelings were still growing. Things continued great for another week and a half. Out of nowhere she stopped talking to me. No gradual fall off, cold turkey. She never really offered an explanation. I did manage to get her to message me back after after 10 days and many read, but unanswered pleas for info. “I just think things happened faster than I wanted them to, I’m sorry”. I wrote a long message to her after a few days of thinking things over. Nothing hurtful, just explaining how I felt about it and how it was confusing and very hurtful to me. Sent it, no answer at all. I checked her social media often as someone desperate does. I got over her. But after about 2 months of no interaction she blocked my number, blocked me on facebook and instagram. I had moved on now, but it was strange she blocked me after a long time of not interacting. She erased all memories of me by doing so, and I was okay with it after some time. Very weird.

Years passed and I was still in and out of a date or two with women that were nice, but we didn’t click right. I still am friends with 2 of them. Just not meant to be and it was all mutual, nothing bad.

I was on tinder, it wasn’t my favorite platform to meet people but it has helped me get dates, since I work in an all male industry. I matched with my girlfriend. I messaged her first with a very corny pickup line. I waited 6 days after we matched to message her. I was hoping she would message first, and I still regret wasting 6 days. We hit it off great, witty banter and awesome intellectual conversation.

I got to know her well, asked for her number and we began texting practically non-stop. She checked all the boxes for the super picky guy that I am. She was very traditional, went to church every week like me, very modest, funny, very smart, 4.0 student, family oriented, wants kids, didn’t smoke, do drugs or party crazy. I can go on and on for days. To top it off, she is stunningly gorgeous. There is not a thing I would change about her.

We talked and I explained to her my line of work. I work on ships, I’m gone, on a ship I fly across the country to, basically isolated with the exception of slow internet that works about 80% of the time, for 3 weeks, then home and off for 3 weeks to do what I want, repeat. Much better than my previous job of being mostly gone with no internet and occasional email. She told me she had to go back to school. But the 2 weekends I had left before leaving for work, she would be home. She gave me “this weekend” or “next weekend” as possible first date options. I took the first option, hoping it would go well enough and I could see her the second weekend too. Later on, once dating, she told me she was hoping I’d do that, for the same reason.

Our first date was only 6 days after first contact. That was way sooner than anytime ever in the past. Normally I waited a little longer. But this time the circumstances were different. We had limited windows to make it happen. And we were both very excited.

Time went on, attraction and affection grew awesomely. Over the course of time it was not too fast, and not too slow. I had that both in the past, this time it was practically perfect. It felt like all the terrible dating experience I had before this was leading up to this. Like I was finally being rewarded for continuing to be the good guy after getting walked all over in the past. Part of me always wanted to just move onto not caring, it was far less painful that way. Those guys, the asshole type, always have the women and the luck anyway. But that won’t be me, i couldn’t although my heart is getting tired and too scarred from all of this. And this last one, is exponentially worse. It’s been 2 months and I honestly only feel worse in many ways despite my efforts that i have not slowed. I’m scared it won’t stop, but I’m not without hope. My entire life was finally making sense. I was happy before her, but I was taken to a new level with her.

We talked everyday, whether or not I was at work or at home, despite her very early on telling me she was not big on texting and messaging. But she was big on it now.

Time tends to get a little distorted when spend half of it away from home. Yes we talked and grew every single day. But in reality, physical dating was only half that time we knew each other. She knew it was tough on both of us, but she was more than willing to put up with it all. And that’s more than women in the past would.

I met her family, I went to family parties, they love me. I had dinner with her family at times and they were always so great to me. I spent a lot of time with them.

Our relationship was the best I have ever had. She would tell me often how she was grateful that I was hers, she couldn’t believe how blessed she was, always spoke super highly of me. Goodnights and good mornings everyday. “I miss you”s and “thinking about you”s when I couldn’t make it to my phone all day. When I was away at work she would make me videos of herself talking and updating me on things. “I can’t wait til you’re home”. “I’m just online looking for stuff for us to do when you get back” In every video. I would make one and she told me how I was so special to her and she loved watching it and hearing my voice. I had it on a private hosted site. Only she could watch it. Looking at the views, she watched it 28 times in 10 days.

When I got home things were better than at work. We would see each other 5-6 times in my 3 weeks off. Pretty good considering she was away at school for 15 of those 21 days. Other times we would only see each other 3 times the entire 3 weeks, that was rare, but it happened. And I hated it.

She would tell me that she thanked God for me in her prayers every night.

She would call me handsome and good looking and for the first time ever I didn’t have a hard time believing someone after hearing that. Despite her not having the highest self esteem because of a tough past, she began to come around it seemed. She never saw herself as beautiful, unfortunately I still don’t think she does. This woman, who only post modest pictures of her face, nothing suggestive, and not too often, pulls in literally hundreds and hundreds of instagram likes! Listen I know that may not mean much, and I’m not saying thats an important thing, she’s no IG whore as they say. I just think its impressive and should count for something as far as lifting her self esteem if I can’t.

Our relationship never had any fights, not to say they wouldn’t come but we were doing good, and I had confidence we could handle them. We had less than a handful of disagreements. We sorted them out without issue and learned more about each other from it.

I told her my most painful and secret things that happened in my life that I only she and my family know. I dated a girl for a year and it never crossed my mind to tell her. This time everything was different. And she had things in her life equally, if not more so, difficult which formed her. She only told me. This made us closer.

Here are messages she sent me which moved me to tears. The first one was after 2 months of knowing her, but we were not dating yet. I asked her to date me the day after I met her parents and they approved of me. I bought her flowers to ask.

“I just wanna say thank you for talking to me and trusting me. I know I kinda said it before but I wanna say it again cause sometimes it takes a minute for me to think about everything and find the words to express what I’m thinking. Mostly because I just want to make sure my words make sense. The point is, I’m always here for you. Even if next week you decide that you’re not interested in pursuing us and then a month later you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Meeting you has been such a blessing and not just because I wanna pursue us romantically(sounds so cliche) but also because you’ve become someone I consider and incredible friend (which is what I want in a partner). You’re possibly the sweetest person I’ve ever met and such a gentlemen. I know people have hurt you and I never want to be that person and I’ll do my best never to be. But I just want you to know that even if you hate me one day, I’ll always be here for you. I hope I’ll be by your side but heck i won’t get ahead of myself lol. I’ll always care about you therefore I’ll always listen. I want nothing more then everything to work out for your family. I’ll obviously do anything I can to help, even if it means just giving you kisses and telling you to not lose hope.”

That was after I told her the thing I never told anyone else ever. Something just thinking about makes me cry.

The next one:

”I hope you understand seriously that I will get you stuff and I’m not filthy rich so obviously you’re not gonna have any Rolexes rolling your way rn but I will get you stuff because I’m gonna be shopping and I’ll see something that makes me thing of you and that’s gonna make me happy. You bring so much happiness to my life and being able to buy you something here and there is part of that. So either deal with it or you’ll need a new girl cause I ain’t changing that about me. I’ll work on my flaws for you but that’s not a flaw so I ain’t changing it. You need to understand that you’re one of the only things I look forward to during my day. Before you came into my life it was just school and visiting home for some little joy I had left. I felt really lost for awhile because I was stressed and didn’t know what I was doing with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still stressed and I still don’t know what the hell im doing and that brings these bad moods here and there but then there’s you. This incredible guy who treats me so well, makes me smile, and has always made me feel so special. So you do a whole lot. And I know you say I do a whole lot for you and I’m beyond grateful for that because you deserve it but that doesn’t mean you don’t do anything for me because you do so freaking much. You’re the reason I smile going to bed and wake up still smiling. So if I wanna treat you to a freaking gift here and there I will and you’re not stopping me. If I wanna take you out for a change to dinner, I fucking will. If I wanna kiss you until your lips are numb I will. Because you do a lot of me, you make me happy, and you deserve it so get that into your head.”

That was after I told her not to buy me a gift for my birthday haha.

In addition to telling me sweet things, she did the sweetest things.Our phones were open access to each other. We never thought twice about that. I noticed in her phone, she had my “3 week on, 3 week off” work schedule in her calendar, punched in for years in advance. And she could always tell me off the top of her head, before I even knew, If i was going to be home for a holiday. She had my availability on important dates memorized.

My birthday card read:

“You have brought me so much joy and happiness these past few months. I often forget how my life was before meeting you honestly. All I can think about is how wonderful and bright the future looks because I have you. I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I hope I can spend many more with you. Thank you for being the man you are and thank you for letting me be part of your life”

I told her my dream one day is to open my own shop out of a garage and do custom vehicle work. I spend my free time teaching myself the ins and outs of vehicle customization. There is practically nothing I can’t do, its a huge hobby of mine. Knowing this she got me a custom-made metal sign for my birthday. It had a chevy on it, one of my favorite car brands and read “Tommy’s Garage”. She told me its because one day I’m gonna have my own shop she just knew it. That is the most meaningful gift I have ever received. It wasn’t just a sign, it was support of my dreams.

She also would always send me pictures of the cool cars she came across during her travels and ask me what they were. She was always impressed I could immediately tell her the make, model and factory name of the color. When we went on a walk by her house she made a point to take me the way she knew the cool cars would be.

I paid attention to every word she text me or told me. I made a list of facts, things, goals and dreams that were important to her. During dates I would excuse myself to the bathroom, open my phone and add to that list so I didn’t forget something she told me.

One of her dreams was to get more into acting. She minored in theater and it was a “secret” goal of hers to be on stage in a production. To paraphrase her “Its not practical to pursue, its expensive and chances of getting picked up are slim” I spent countless hours reading the ins and outs of the industry and researching classes, agencies, acting clubs and groups. I was going to surprise her by paying for a development class/agency for her Christmas gift.

She wants to learn and practice painting and other forms of art. When I asked why she didn’t pursue it. She told me she didn’t have the money to buy the supplies honestly. For her graduation I got her a $100 gift card to a craft store. I’m not a fan of gift cards, but i would not know what to buy supply-wise. Money shouldn’t stand in the way of someone’s dream. Her dreams and goals became mine, i have the means to make those happen. And I wasn’t going to stop until they did.

She was very into difficult jigsaw puzzles, the 2000 piece ones. In conversation she revealed she wanted a “puzzle board” and she had seen some cool ones online. I researched the heck out of that. I started to build her one from scratch. I’m a pretty handy person. I didn’t get to finish before things ended. But I did finish it and ship it to her. She adores it. It took me probably 45 man hours and is a very nice piece.

She told me once that if someone could sing about her like Ed Sheeran does about women she would marry them. She said it as a joke. I didn’t care though. I looked up all of his songs, its not my type of music but I listened to every song. I practiced my singing at work, where I was alone good parts of the day. I sucked, recorded myself and was not cut out for it. Weeks and weeks of practicing and making my throat hurt I gave up.

Instead I started poetry. Which I found i’m pretty good at. I would take poems handwritten in my work notepad, when I was away and daydreaming of her, I’d rip the page out and once I was home I’d hide it for her to find somewhere. She saved them when she found them and gave me the biggest kiss after she did.

Hands down my biggest fear is dancing. I’m not comfortable with it. I never had danced with anyone before. Her family was HUGE into it. She told me I better learn. So I started to. We were at a family party and she asked me to dance with her. That was the first time I ever danced with anyone ever. And I loved it and wanted to get better for her. I signed up for dance lessons to get ready for a wedding she was inviting me to. I never made it to that, it was just the other day.

She had a favorite band. She always wanted to see them play, but money was an issue. I had bought tickets for when they were in the area. I managed to get a refund, I didn’t go with what my heart was telling me thankfully. That was to give her both the tickets.

My hobby being cars and trucks, she had told me her dream one day is to own a VW van. I didn’t know much about them. But after a week of her telling me, I could tell you everything about them, everything.

She made me a better person in so many ways. Those above things are not the normal me. That’s the me that I was looking for. I was more friendly, a nicer person to be around and I was improving myself mentally and physically everyday. My family told me they had never seen me so happy and confident. I was working out like twice a week now which was new again to me.

And she told me the same went for her. She told me everyone always tells her how upbeat she was now. And how different the best ways she was. She thanked me often for helping her be happier about the life she has.

In that way, we are ying and yang. Things in my life were making so much sense now. I was previously very happy with myself and my life. I was not bad before her, but I needed work. That never bothered me and I didn’t feel I “needed” someone to be happy. I did want to share happiness though, who wouldn’t.

Although being together for quite a few months, we never got sexually involved. I’m not looking too far into it but I suppose its worth mentioning. She is a virgin. As she said to me, she is not a prude at all, she’s not the type that believes in waiting til after marriage. It just hasn’t happened for her yet and she was fine with it. That is respectable. That said a lot about her and I like that she values herself and values sex. We still talked intimately about physical stuff, we would get a bit all over each other when we had the quick private opportunity. She and I both wanted to move on. As she said, without me bringing up the topic: “I don’t want you to feel i’m opposed to it I just don’t want my first time to be in a starbuck’s bathroom”. It was a said as a joke but i knew the point she was making, we didn’t have privacy for it to happen, ever. So yes we were dating for months, but I chalk that up to timing and privacy. She also had some medical issues that should not have been a problem, but it was also a small unknown factor. Maybe that was on her mind too. We talked about it, flirted and used sexual innuendos in conversation without second thoughts. She told me the last guy she was with started to get pushy and talk about doing things to himself at night. She wasn’t comfortable that he made it a point to tell her every time, she told me it wasn’t the sole reason she ended things with him, but it was something she didn’t like. And I personally wouldn’t have liked her to tell me in our relationship, so we were on the same page there. But it also made me a bit more cautious about possibly coming off as pushy when talking about sex.

Although this next part makes me question that a little. We had been dating for only 1 month but i knew her for 4 months now, so maybe it was just too early. But anyway, I went to her school that was 3 hours away from our hometown. I went for her graduation day. The night before her graduation we went for a nice long walk around the college town, holding hands the entire time. She picked up a dandelion “wishie”, and said out loud but quiet, “will it happen” blew it away, smiled at me and said “yes it will”. I have no idea what that was in reference to. What was that? Still don’t, of course I’m suggesting something though, maybe I’m dirty minded. That night we were cuddling in bed and watching a movie. I cuddled her and kissed her doing the movie at random, even got my hands on her waist a few times and squeezed her. Nothing crazy but I wanted to show I was very much enjoying the contact. When the movie was over were both sleepy. she got up and put in her mouthguard as I was getting my wits about me from my sleepiness. So I pretty much assumed all my chances of making out and seeing where it went were shot. I started to cuddle her more to try to spark something. She didn’t reject any little touch by me, but she never made moves of her own.

She always told me how ugly she is without make up. This was the first time I was to see her in person without it. She send pictures once. Its another story. About 3 weeks into talking I was complimenting her on how gorgeous she is. She told me she never felt that way, she told me in High School she was fat, ugly and had bad acne. She covers the acne scars with her makeup(i have scars too, but I can’t use make up). I understand about not being comfortable with the skin you have. I get that struggle. She was telling me often that she was so worried for when I had to see her without makeup. One day she said “i just want to get it over with” She send me a snapchat of her without makeup. She was just as beautiful without, she is gorgeous. But the point is she doesn’t feel that way. I tried at times to reassure her but I know only she can make herself feel better, and I was trying to guide her there. But me not letting her hate on herself has be perceived as being coddling and not motivating. Its a very fine line, especially when I wholehearted believe she is gorgeous(and so does everyone else), so saying the truth makes me seem like I’m lying to her, and saying she doesn’t look the best would be the real lie, and so rude and not at all moral.

Anyway, before that night she had said “oh now you can see me in person without makeup. Yayyy” it was a sarcastic yayyy. I told her she had nothing to worry about at all, i already saw, and she was her same beautiful self. Before the movie she showered. She got out of the shower, got dressed and said “well here I am, this is me”. I didn’t say anything, i just smiled, grabbed her, kissed her and then said “you are gorgeous”. I can tell she still felt a little not herself and was still working on getting comfortable

What happened?
Was it too early? Did she second guess herself? Did I just blow it, was I supposed to lead the way on that? Did she not feel pretty in front of me?

Since I would have been her first time I didn’t feel like I should be the one to escalate the cuddling. I didn’t want to screw things up with the woman I was all about. She was so great for me. Was I over cautious? I didn’t want to come off as pushy. Although I would have loved to get more intimate that night, it wasn’t the end of the world to me, I knew I would have another chance. I knew it had to be when the time was right for her. Yes every guy wants sex, but no I was not a hornball about it in anyway.

Things continued to go great. We had many more dates, always did fun and different things. And she was always holding my hand when she could. Always grabbing my arm with both her hands and pulling me close to her. We’d take pictures together, she’d put them on her Snapchat and send them to friends, shop together, go on day trips. Everything was perfect. Now a few months after her graduation, and the night we spent together. We still never had privacy to advance our relationship physically. Again there was no private place for us. But you know what, it wasn’t crossing my mind nearly as much as it had in past relationships. I was so ecstatic just to be with her and be in such a healthy, growing relationship that it didn’t matter when it happened. She had so much to offer me always. She fulfilled me in ways I never knew a person could, I was completely satisfied with the way our relationship was advancing and I knew once we got physically involved, it would only make things better. So I don’t think no physical involvement was a sign or anything, there was attraction. We are both the type that don’t want a relationship formed solely on that.

Now the breakup story starts:

Another time at home came to an end, on the night before I went back to work, she gave me kiss, and I surprised her flowers. No reason, I just wanted to see her smile. She said “they’re so pretty”. I replied “you’re so pretty”. Kinda smooth. But I got in my truck, drove home and got on a plane the next day.

That next day she was driving back up to her school. She was working the summer there. She told me she waited til I went back to work to leave again so she wouldn’t waste time I was home. I promised to visit her my next time I was off. She would live alone up there and work. I know she hated that and it was so hard on her. But she did it in the past while I was away, and when I got home, she came home and took off of work.

This time back at work though things changed. She had just gotten back to work, was alone and away from home. It sucks, i know that feeling and the first few days of it are an adjustment. I noticed she wasn’t messaging much, like a light switch we now barely got many messages exchanged in a day. Which I thought was fine because she was busy. I gave it a few days, I asked her if things were okay and if she felt alright. She told me she just felt very out of it. I began to worry, I felt like something was up, i knew her well, and things weren’t the same. But I tried to trust her when she told me things were okay. She stopped calling me babe, baby, hun and her favorite, boo. I noticed that. She was just saying “night” and “morning” instead of the nice messages I used to get like: “good morning!, I hope you slept well babe!” and that stuff. Everyday it was something like that.

From calling me baby and sending hearts to hardly talking and no emotion. It was so sudden.

Now her messages were getting short and she wasn’t answering all too frequently. I told her she could tell me anything in the world she knows that. I would listen. I would help the ways I knew how. I told her things are clearly different towards me. I told her I know I overthink, its part of my past, but I need to know whats up. This whole situation was now eating me alive.

She said “you are sweet for looking out for me and i figured it was your past that gets you worried” “I told you in the beginning of things, I’m just not a big texter”

Fact is my past me of experiencing falling out was right, I had every right to be worried, and she made me feel like I was just being crazy.

That was true about texting. But why all of the sudden? for the months leading up to this she became a “big texter” and couldn’t get enough talking with me. I would still text her my sweet goodnights and good mornings. I was trying to be supportive and the same guy I always was.

Things went this way for 2 weeks total. I was going crazy. I had asked on multiple occasions for her to talk to me. I knew something was wrong. Things were so different. She was not happy like she had always been since I knew her. She was down, very down. And it was torture to me. So after these 2 weeks of her being alone, going home to an empty apartment every night after a long day of work, she headed home.

I was glad because I thought she could really use the time with her family. And now I was hands off. I messaged her that I was thinking of her and to have a nice time with her family, tell them I said hello, and not to worry about messaging me so much but instead focus on her time with them. I told her that in the past whenever she was with family or friends.

We had some time to talk when her day at home wound down. I asked here how her day was and she said “kinda rough”.

“It’s just I have been like having time to myself and thinking a lot lately and today I’ve had time to have like conversations with my mom and close friends and it’s just idk it’s rough”

I said “Is this about me?” There are long messages from me in between these, my words are less important than hers, i know my feelings, this post is to get an idea of her feelings to understand this breakup. I’ll summarize my replies when needed. I just wanted her to talk to be because I have been waiting so long and been feeling so eaten alive by not knowing the problem.

Dialog: My thoughts, and replies are in Italics.
________________________________

She spilled to me:

“Well today has been about my life, us, and other people that don’t apply to you but yeah we’ve been a topic.

(not sure who the other people are???) Never asked.

And I feel like you know I’ve been weird lately but I haven’t really spoken about it cause I needed time to like gather my thoughts and I’ve been out of it

It’s been so hard for me because you do mean a lot to me

And I know I’ve been unfair kinda keeping it but I need you to understand it’s only because I didn’t know what to say even.
But it’s not like you’re an asshole and you need to stop being an asshole lol it’s not that easy and idk if it’s something you wanna talk about while you’re at work
I know it’s stressful for you there I don’t wanna be adding to it”

Yes I do want to talk, just tell me, not knowing is the hardest thing on me.

“I’m sorry I don’t wanna be doing that to you you really don’t deserve it. Tommy you’re an amazing guy don’t think otherwise. I mean I’ll try to explain as much as I can I guess.

Before I start you need to understand all of this is just as hard for me and I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful but it needs to all be said and maybe I don’t have the perfect words for it but I’m gonna try as hard as I can. I don’t know when it started but I just feel like I’m missing something lately. Like I enjoy spending time with you because I’ll keep saying it, you’re an amazing guy and any girl would be lucky to have you and I’m lucky to have you. I just feel like as most relationships are early on everything was perfect and slowly that honey moon stage as people call it has disappeared and I know it’s supposed to and it’s normal but when it disappeared more than that kinda disappeared for me. Like this whole week I’ve been thinking on what I want and stuff and I’ve always said I wanted a kind and sweet guy like you and you’re beyond good for me and I don’t even deserve it but idk maybe I’m a bitch bc just something is missing. Maybe it’s something that can be fixed idk but it’s unfair for me to expect it I guess because you’re already amazing, I’d probably never find better to be honest and I mean that genuinely. But for example I need someone that pushes me to be better because I do have so many flaws and if I didn’t have people being blunt and truthful with me I’d still be the miserable person I was in HS and I feel like I don’t get that with you a lot and I know it’s you just always being kind and stuff but I need someone that’s willing to acknowledge my flaws and not just let me continue being the way I am even if it’s not okay, does that make sense? yeah i want someone who likes me for who I am but I also know who I am isn’t always right. And also I guess as us, I just know where our feelings were from the start and I obviously have liked you from the start but I don’t know how much stronger that’s gotten and I don’t know if it’s because I barely get to see you. and I mean I go away for school and you work away and we both knew it’d be hard and I was more than willing to go for it but I don’t know if it’s that or something else that’s made it harder for my feelings to grow to the point where they should be.

I know that you’d be a great partner and father, that’s why it’s hard for me to feel like this”

I addressed all her worries and fears and points she made. I gave her examples of all the ways I try to push her. I spilled the beans about getting her acting lessons, and reminded her of the art gift card so she could pursue that and all the meal planning and walking we were doing to get us in better shape. Even though we were in good shape. She is not happy with her body, I love it, she really is stunning and I have told her that the way she is perfect to me. I guess thats a mistake, I know she doesn’t feel that way, and thats why I was trying to help her get to her happiness. Me being happy with her body is not important to me. Her being happy is. After talking through all the ways I was here to drive her to be the best and happiest with herself she could be she realized that I do push in more ways than she thought. Our relationship was still going, no I don’t believe she is perfect. She has her flaws, but it was too early to say that stuff to her i felt, we needed more time before I could tell her “maybe you shouldn’t watch netflix all day”. I fully intended to help her be the best version of herself she could, the version of herself she was happy with. Thats what is most important. Because she is still her no matter how she improves or slips, and no matter what I like her. Too little too late, I should have pushed her more eariler I guess, i thought I was.

I guess I was too nice for too long. Is that possible? I was never unrealistic or ignored her concerns, but I guess me being sweet and not letting her talk herself down was betrayed as weakness on my part.

“Because we barely see each other which causes things like this where I don’t know how I feel or what I want. I know doubts are normal I’ve felt them before but I guess this is a matter of me figuring out if this is just doubts or something else. Well obviously see where things go and how things are when you come home”

We left off that we have to see each other.
We went back to talking. It wasn’t like it was in the past, but it was better than the short and infrequent messages leading up to this. It was pretty good. Her spirits were better, mine were too. She was much happier I could tell. She started to ask how I was, asked about my days and say Good morning and goodnight again.

Eventually things were just tapering off again and she barely messaged me and was getting short. I called her out on this. I told her “you told me I need to acknowledge your flaws, right now you need to communicate, you aren’t doing that, If you want this to work we need to talk through things” I wasn’t home yet, I was a few days away from that, the anticipation was killing me, I needed to get home at try to fix this.

I messed up and brought up some good memories we had recently, ones that were outside the honeymoon stage in my opinion. We had been together for 9 months. The way she told me she felt and the way she acted towards me were consistent and growing the entire time, up till the day I went back to work, and the day she went back to school. That day it was like a switch flipped.

“I’m sorry that I’m like this and I’m sorry that you do deserve better and if it’s upsetting you because you don’t deserve that but I told you Tommy things are just different and idk any other ways to explain it than I have.

And I thought that’d be okay but it’s becoming way harder and exhausting and some girl out there would be fine with it I know it, and maybe if I wasn’t at school I’d be too but rn I’m not as okay as I thought I’d be. I’d be lying if I said having someone who I went to school with wouldn’t be easier or someone that was home all the time. But I went with it because I thought I could have it work because you are a great guy. You are an incredible friend as I said and yes our long term goals are the same but rn I can’t see me achieving this long term goals with you because I can’t develop my feelings beyond incredible friend. Yes I want my future husband to be one of my best friends but there also needs to be more and in the honeymoon stage there was more because it was new and exciting but rn I don’t feel that. And you deserve that too, you deserve someone as invested as you and idk if that’s me at this moment. I’m beyond happy I was able to help you through and tough time and I’ll always be here for you I told you that from that start and I told you I’d give it time till you’re home and stuff bc I respect you and care for you and you deserve that. All those great memories are great memories for me too but sometimes even if they’re great they’re a bit different for both people. I only know how I am feeling at certain moments and you only know how you feel. I only know what I’m thinking in those moments and you only know what you’re thinking. That may be blunt or harsh and I’m sorry but it’s true. You are special to me and I do care for you but I just don’t know if my feelings are going to get to where they should be, at least right now. That’s what the issue of change has been guess, the realization of that”

Again I she talks about not having feelings essentially, but we had been together for a long time and she had shown me through many actions her feelings were way more than a friend.

Is this admitting that my job/our situation is too tough to deal with? Can she not develop her feelings? or did she cut them off to help herself because being apart often is too difficult?

She said “at this moment” and “at least right now”. Is she just trying to not completely break my heart or is she leaving it open?

“You are one of my best friends and you’re incredible and I know I could always count on you. But that doesn’t always mean things are meant to be. Maybe I met you at the wrong time in my life but all I know is right now I don’t feel what you feel. that’s where I’m at right now, that’s what’s different, my feelings just aren’t there right now idk”

She said “Maybe I met you at the wrong time in my life”. Still leaving it open?

I told her I wish she could feel the way I felt. Its special. Its incredible.

“I’m so sorry Tommy. I’ve tried not crying this whole time and this is the second time I’m failing. The first was when my mom herself said I’ll never find someone as good as you and I just knew she was right. I really do wish things were different and I do hope things change but at the same time I don’t wanna be that asshole that keeps you hanging around just in case that’s not fair to you. You are so special to me. You’re the the nicest person I’ve ever met, not just guy. You deserve someone so fucking amazing and I know you say that’s me but truth it I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough for you. You’re gonna make someone so happy one day. You really deserve someone so amazing I’m so sorry I really wish I was as great as you see me to be and wish I wasn’t feeling like this.”

I talked about how I failed to be pushy. And now I was failing at being sweet because I was being stern and very lively about the situation. I was super wound up, not in a mean or abusing way, I just had a lot of passion and curses which is not my normal thing.

“You haven’t failed at being sweet at all, again idk what you’re talking about. I’m kinda at a loss for words. Idk how you still manage to say all those nice things and think highly of me. I don’t want you not trying to find someone that makes you happy. I know you’re saying that’s me but I can’t live with the thought that all you’re gonna do is sit and wait, that’s not what I want. I want you living your life too. I want us to be friends and yes you did make me happy and you still will, just right now, not the way maybe you want to. You are one of the greatest people I’ll ever meet, I don’t want our friendship to end. I’m even crying again cause this is so hard for me. I know one day I’m going to regret being such a bitch and all of this.

I really wish things were different rn
I really wish I could just snap out of this
I’m so fucking sorry Tommy. I wish I was as good of a person as you saw me to be
I wish I was half of that person

I’m sorry I really can’t reply I’m crying too much honestly
I will never deserve you
My mom was right. I don’t think I’ll fill appreciate how incredible you are until someone breaks my heart into pieces
I hate this so much”

I just told her I obviously wished more than anyone that things were different. And told her she is more than I deserve and not to talk bad about herself because she is amazing and thats the reason I have been pursing her. If she really thought so highly of me, what does it say about her that I want her so bad? I told her she needed to ask herself that.

“Stop saying sweet things. Why can’t you just call me a bitch and make this easier
I’m gonna regret this one day
Part of me already does

I’m selfish and can’t let you go
Please can we just wait
I can’t
I feel like an asshole
You probably think I’m the biggest drama queen but I can’t let you go

I just feel like I felt like I had no feelings like that but how does someone cry hysterically if there’s nothing
I don’t wanna regret anything
I just need to see you
Maybe I’ve been all in my head and maybe I’ve been scared or maybe I haven’t I don’t know
But I need to see you and find out then

Don’t be sorry
You never have to be sorry
You earn the gold medal for guys that have made me cry I give you that lol

It’s probably a good thing that I did. I don’t just cry over anyone
I’m sorry again for how I’m being. I know it’s not fair to you”

______________________________

End of that talk.

Things were as close to before I left as ever now. She was cheerful, herself, talking, being sweet. We talked like we were before. I was excited because I thought we were making it through her doubts. She had to see me like she said, she didn’t want to regret it, and didn’t want to give up on me. I felt like we had a second chance. I felt like she was really going to try for me. And I was going to show her how special she was. This upcoming 3 weeks off, we were going to have more time together than ever. Only 8 days of those 21, we were not going to be able to see each other. I planned lots of really special dates, most I didn’t tell her about. All the time together and amazing dates were sure to fix this, we were going to make it.

I thought all of that at least, about her trying and a second chance. Things continued to improve for 3 days then I got home. Once I got home, we started to plan to see each other that next night. No she was back to her state of being very down. I could tell. I asked her the time I should come get her. “It doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t have to be too long”. I knew it something was up again.

We had talked about trying, talked about seeing each other and talked about figuring it out. All of that went out the window. The first time I saw her, she was breaking it off with me. She never gave all of the trying, waiting, seeing and dates she talked about. The stuff that when she talked about it, calmed her down and made her happy again.

We never got any of that and I feel cheated there. She made up her mind to do it that night instead of wait and try. Knowing that after all our talks, particularly the last part of that dialog hurt so bad. How can you go from saying “I can’t let you go” to going back on what she said about trying, it hurts.

So I got home late, woke up early and got my haircut to look my best. I bought a new cologne which I knew she was a big fan of. I wore a shirt I knew she loved on me.

I picked her up at her house like normal. She smiled when we made eye contact. As usual. But when she got in the truck she leaned into me, then turned her head last second, so I kissed her cheek. That was a blow. I drove to a parking lot that was secluded so we could talk.

We talked about a lot. Anything and everything. But this was it. Despite what she had said about just seeing each other and finding out. She had her mind made up. She was breaking up with me this night. She said she was going to try, this time home would be figuring it out. But she gave up that night.

We talked for hours, I cried a lot. She cried a lot. I tried to say everything I could.

She told me “when you pulled up I can tell you were looking to see if I would smile”. She knew me well. I was looking for it as usual. I wouldn’t miss it. She did smile to me.

In these talks I said some like “I just want to make this work”. She got short, cut me off and ubruptly said
“Well you have to quit your job then tommy”. It was unlike her to speak like that towards me, she didn’t get short or louder ever. Was this really from her heart? she didn’t give me a chance to reply to that and we got to a different topic quickly. But that little flair up stuck with me. Is it all stemming from my job? I will quit tomorrow if it means her.
Should I? Is it too late? Dumb idea now that time has passed? I didn’t want to do anything rash. But the thought of quitting immediately after this breakup was on my mind heavily. I would do it, but at the same time I don’t know if it would have just made things worse off and be seen as weak. My plans, regardless of her, was to leave this job in the next 5 years anyway. 5 years was the max. More realistically it would be more like 3 years. I told her that, but maybe she was just thinking I was saying what she wanted to hear. I wish I told her that from the beginning since its the truth. If i’m lucky enough to have a marriage, I’m not leaving my wife and kids for 3 weeks, thats for sure.

I can’t ask her, not before, not now. she’ll just say not to quit of course.
She knows I like it, but really I never spoke too highly of it because its just work, thats all. I can find another job, woman like her are so rare. I should know I’ve been looking for a long time. The off time and pay are second to none. But it all really doesn’t matter to me, I’d chose a real shot with her not holding back over my job if it was that. Did she just not want to put me in that situation? Did she not want to give me an ultimatum? I wish she would have. Even if we didn’t work I wouldn’t regret it. Or is it just a part of why we broke up?

I have been on the fence about moving out of state and she knew that. So I told her while we were getting everything out there. I said I don’t care if I move and you change your mind and say you want us back, you tell me. I repeat I do not care I need to know that regardless

“I promise I’ll tell you Tommy, but I’m not moving to PA”.

So she thought about the possibility, right? Why else would she lay down a ground rules of not moving?

Regardless I’m not moving out of state now anyways, for family reasons. I haven’t told her that. I want that to be after my good news life improvement after No Contact to be telling her I have a house. And it’s in our county.

I told her I don’t care if I’m moved on and married. Once she knows exactly why we couldn’t work out, she needed to tell me. She promised to.

She said “what if I’m 400 lbs and fat, do you still want to hear from me” I told her I want to hear not matter what her, or my situation would be. She promised to tell me once she knows what happened with her, no matter what.

She told me “I know myself, trust me. If we ever want a chance of anything in the future this has to happen”

An attempt to make it more mutual? Make it easier on me? Or is she leaving the door open?

We had been tagged in each other’s social media pictures and what not. I brought that topic up. She told me she would never be embarrassed by me, she didn’t see me as a bad past. No bad blood. and I’m not a past she’s trying to erase. She posted pictures of me and her family after her graduation on Facebook and Instagram. I agreed and she said I was “a great part of her life I’m not gonna take down those pictures of you. And I’m going to keep the pictures you sent me”. She also said “I’d be pissed if I had to delete my Instagram post, your picture is in a collage haha” she said that to lighten up the very down mood, but she was serious. She didn’t want to delete my pictures.

She told me “I feel like you are such an adult in so many ways, you have your life figured out. I’m still trying to figure mine out”
I assured her mine is not figured out. She is super mature, I understand what she is saying though. She is still in school. She doesn’t know where the world will be bringing her in the next year. And I think that is heavy on her mind too. I tried to assure her no matter what it wouldn’t matter. I’ll be here and we can figure it out. The beauty of my job is I can literally live anywhere in the world as long as I can get to an airport.

While sitting there we had the most beautiful sunset. She said “it figures the hardest thing we have to do and there is a beautiful sunset”.

She also said “I know we havent been boyfriend and girlfriend the longest, but I consider us dating since we met. And yes we will be “exes” but with none of the bad connotations of that word”.

She knows I love rainbow cookies, and she knew of a local place that makes the best ones. I have never tried theirs. So for my birthday, I was away, she said she is taking me to get it and I can’t pay. Our times got busy and we had dates but that one never happened. She always brought it up that she needs to bring me though.

She did tell me this night, “oh and I’m still taking you for that rainbow cookie”

She told me twice “that you smell so good” and that “you are making this whole truck smell great”. So I guess the cologne was a good idea.

She also said “I hope you still send me all the potato memes you find”(random, but that was an ongoing thing for us). “I’m still going to send you pictures of all the cool cars I see” ” and I’ll still send you snaps of my ugly face”.
(To date none of this has happened of course since the break up).

I weeped the entire way to her house to drop her off. I drove as slow as possible. I pulled over a few times to clear my eyes.

The last thing she said to me that night when I dropped her off was. “Tommy this won’t be the last time you see me. It won’t, I promise”. She gave me a big hug. I watched her till she was safe inside her house, pulled around the block and cried like a complete baby.

She was texting me to make sure I got home. I didn’t lie initially, told her I had to stop to gain composure. She understood and told me she was waiting til I was good and made it home safe. I didn’t make it home that night. I stayed in a 24 hour parking lot. But I wasn’t keeping her all night. I told her I made it home.

The aftermath:

Now we here’s where I went wrong. And here’s where I wish I found this guide. I hope I didn’t screw myself.

A week passed and I asked if I could see her before she went back to work. Just to get coffee. She said she would try to find time and wasn’t opposed. Only “30 mins” I said. Friday passed, didn’t happen. Saturday comes asked again. No dice. Sunday, the day she is leaving I asked again “just 10 minutes”. She said she would try. Then at the end of the day she apologized it couldn’t happen.

I wanted to give her that puzzle board I made her, secretly hoping it wouldn’t fix things. I did come off very desperate looking back, I shouldn’t have made “just X mins” an option. But I told her it was cool and I understood once she apologized for coffee not working out.

I waited a few days then I shipped the puzzle board to her apartment. She loved it. I put notes inside and a hand drawn Tigger with a quote from him about friendship. Tigger was her absolute favorite. She called me “tommy the Tigger”, she changed my nickname on facebook messanger to that. And I also wrote her another poem about being puzzled we didn’t work out. But the poem ended I was blessed by her friendship.

She thanked me for it. We talked on and off the entire next week. Small talk. About nothing. We stopped, not unpleasant but it was so empty now.

This is where I went completely wrong. I was hurting bad now. Really really bad. I wrote. And I just kept writing. Well typing on my notepad. It ended up being 8 pages, no spaces, typed. It was letter to her saying everything. How highly I thought of her, and how nothing makes sense about us breaking, just factual stuff not pleading things and how I felt about her. And how she showed me countless times and in many ways how she felt about me.

It wasn’t a letter begging or pleading. But I did say that I don’t believe anyone will try harder for her than me. And that is the truth. So maybe that’s desperate sounding. I started the letter saying this wasn’t going to be something I did, it’s a one time deal. I had a lot more I needed to say then just the one night of talking in my truck. And this was me saying it. I didn’t talk about me being miserable or crying or anything. I did tell her I had tough times ahead though.

I mailed the letter. Wish I didn’t after reading everything I have on this site. But she read it and messaged me.

She told me I can’t tell her how she feels. But I didn’t tell her how she feels, everything was what she told me she felt, how she acted to me that showed me how she felt. The evidence I have presented in this novel.

She also said, “I’m fine Tommy”. I never asked her how she was, and in my letter I never doubted she would be.

I told her I already mentioned I was just getting it all out there and what my feelings were, it was a one time thing and from here out I wouldn’t bring it up.

Since then we have talked on and off. I liked a few videos she shared on Facebook and a picture she posted a few days after the breakup. All initiated by me. I know I know, very dumb. I messed up. I doing no contact now. She was flying to Europe, she’s originally from there, to visit family with her parents. So I messaged her to ask if the flight went safely. Then I let her enjoy her 2 weeks there without talking to her. Once she was home I asked her how the trip was. Then I messaged her again because grad school was starting and I said good luck. In our small talk I told her I was looking for a new job. She didn’t really react to me saying that though.

In all of these occasions she was somewhat short and dull, but not rude. She clearly wasn’t making the conversation long or too cheerful, she would ask how work was and stuff but she wasn’t so interested, I got the hint early and never forced the conversation or never made it too weird.

Now I’m here. 13 days since last contact. And a little more than 2 months since breakup.

Keep in mind what I said about working my 3 week away, 3 week home rotation. Time gets distorted. For me at least. Time moves fast, but life moves slow.

About 10 days ago she changed my nickname on facebook messanger from “tommy the tigger” back to “Tommy”. So that was out of nowhere, it triggers a notification when she changed it, so she thought about it and had to go do something about it. It hurt but I didn’t say anything about it. Not sure if she was because she was moving on, or she is making efforts to hurt less.

The wedding I foolishly signed up for dancing lessons to be a killer plus-1 at was this last weekend. She posted some pictures on Facebook from it. I know I’m not supposed to stalk. It’s all in the past now, I’m playing by the no contact rules. I just want to mention it.

She posted a lot of selfies with cousins. But also posted 2 selfies with a guy I had never seen before. Possibly her plus-1 since they were seated next to each other. Maybe not. She doesn’t post too often on facebook, just shares a lot of things. If she post pictures its normally with other people from an event. She’s posted pictures with other guy friends before me, thats not too odd to me. She has pictures of me and her arm-in-arm and holding hands posted from the past. It’s just odd I’ve never seen this guy before, I don’t know. Might be overthinking that, that I’m good at.

In addition to the wedding post, a few before that she posted two pictures of herself, selfies. Modest but really good, big smile ones. That is unlike her, she doesn’t post selfies to facebook ever. So probably just trying to get to me or trying to present herself as happy. She is also posting more IG and snapchat stories than ever, she hardly did that before. Again I’m doing No contact, that’s just something I noticed before and after reading the site over and over it seems normal.

Remember her telling me she would be pissed if she had to delete her Instagram collage post with me in it? Well I checked 2 days ago before finding this site. She deleted it. She only deleted it in the past 2 weeks. So nearly 2 months after breaking up and telling me she didn’t feel she had to, and didn’t want to, she did.

Why did she deleted that picture after almost 2 months? Too hurtful to be reminded the good times? Over me? Doesn’t want to confuse another guy? She had to delete family pictures just to do that.

As it stands before No Contact. She hasn’t deleted any Facebook pictures of me. Might still has them all up.

If there is one thing I’ll never understand is women. I try my best. I do really do. But this all escapes me. Please help. Do I have a chance with her?

Summary, kinda. She mostly puts the blame on her feelings not being where they need to be. But everything she has said and done showed she had the feelings, as you can see. She also puts blame on my job, her school and our situation of barely seeing each other. Which was all going to change after another few months of grad school.

I can never know the real reason, she doesn’t even really know. My guess: our situation was hard, she felt herself fallen for me, I left for work, she went alone to work hours away from home in an empty house for weeks. It hit her hard that maybe this is too hard on her. Once that hit, the easiest way for her to deal was to say “her feelings aren’t there yet” and began distancing herself. I believe she convinced herself the feelings weren’t growing, because she was afraid of how they were actually growing and how hard having a, dare I say lover, for only 3 weeks at a time was.

Do you really think her feelings aren’t there like she is claiming? Or is she making it easy on herself by getting out now? I’m trying to be unbiased about that and use my head not my heart. When I do that, it still seems like just an out from commitment to something serious with a guy who isn’t around enough, based on how our relationship was. I know clearly I’m the one that is headover heels here, thats a fact. But I played this one slow, I dove in in the past and got hurt. I held back this time until I knew it was mutual. Maybe I’m afraid to say it to myself, but I feel that near a year, you are beyond the honeymoon stage she claimed, and I feel you don’t stay around that long, and be that great to me, if your feelings aren’t there. I just can’t see that, but maybe I’m wrong. I think its not the feelings, its everything else.

I could be entirely wrong about all of that. I mean we can’t ever know the reality, only she does. But I can’t be the one guessing, my heart is too in it and I have too little experience with the female brain and heart unfortunately. Nothing makes sense to me. I love that woman. She is my best friend, due to my work and the people I find value you in, I don’t have a ton of friends. I never got too close with many people. I got closer with her than anyone else. She is my best friend. Of course thats not mutual like it may have been before. And best friend or not I want her as a lover, so friendship is not my priority, No Contact is. We never got a chance to grow to our full potential, because she was scared I feel.

I know I’m not alone, I am going to make it through No contact, but I can’t escape the feeling that I’m running out of time.

A few times in our long talks I slipped in things about there being someone else, they were worked into long long replies. Like “and i couldn’t blame you if there is someone else, you are such a catch, truth is there is always someone that will look better than me but there is no one that will try harder than me.”

I put myself down, I shouldn’t have. But reality is she was always the better looking one. That’s why I did all of those above things I talked about, poems, dancing, thoughtful gifts. I was pushing myself to be better for her and more confident.

She never answered my concern about there being someone else. But I never asked it directly and it was in a slew of conversation. Mentioned their being someone else again in another long conversation in the truck, no reply to that. But still it wasn’t the main talking point and I wasn’t worried about that. She probably has a line of guys that are dying to be with her, literally no one would blame them, I don’t. But as far as dating goes, in normal non-rebound circumstances, she is extremely picky. So maybe she did have someone lined up to move on more easily. Maybe that was the guy at the wedding in her facebook pictures. It’s not bothering me too much, way less than I thought it would thanks to this program.

But it’s possible its not a rebound as well. But another fact, I was her first serious relationship. She had attempted to date a few other guys but said they were too crude and not respectful. So I was her first actual boyfriend in her 4 years of attempting to date. I think that says something about me that’s not bad. For this rightfully picky woman, to be with someone else in 2 months, after years of not giving into sub-par men and have it not be a rebound, that doesn’t make sense. She had to know this guy before me, if he is better than me, why didn’t she date him before me? So that’s good I guess. But who actually knows.
He’s got a nose ring too, that would be atypical of her to date someone with a nose ring, that i’m over analyzing though.

Obviously my job is a problem, I wish she just talked about that instead of letting it bother her to the point of dumping a break up on me. I’m mostly just looking for issues with myself and this relationship to fix before I contact her again. They are not the clearest.

Immediately after was bad, I never let onto her I was a mess. Not eating, not sleeping, in bed all day, doing nothing but thinking of her and ruining myself. I started trying though because I need to be a better me.

I have been working out everyday and seeing improvements, I got my teeth cleaned, I’m on a teeth whitening regime and getting fitted for clear braces soon and I’m on a very healthy diet.

Despite how it seems this is still very difficult, its rare I manage a day without her crossing my mind. And when I do, I still have dreams about her. Sometimes, when everything is going well, I get a flashback to me and her and the great times, triggered by nothing, and I get overcome with emotion and it’s hard to function. I have been pushing through those. It’s a slow improvement, but its improvement.

My plan is to buy a house, I actually already bought a new truck since the breakup, I was previously holding off because I wanted to buy her acting lessons. I can still afford them if I get her back, but she is going to have to wait a long time if so. I was putting her happiness ahead of mine to deny myself a truck, which is normal for me I guess. I like to give.

Most importantly the following is all for me: So house, truck, new me: in shape, healthy, whiter straighter smile. And I already have my resume out there. A new job is not hard to find for an engineer, I can have one tomorrow. Whether or not I take a new one before contacting her is an unknown. At very least I’ll go into contact with a list of job offers I got.

In addition, I’ll be pushy, I’ll be more of a motivator. I’ll be confident, and hopefully make her feel I’m the one out of her league this time.

If you made it to here, thank you. I know that was a lot, too much, that effort and commitment to telling this the best I can is the effort and commitment I try to bring into everything in life, especially my relationship. I made the main talking points bold. Even if someone can just make a guess at one of those questions that would be really cool and appreciated.

Best of luck everyone,

-Tommy