So long and thanks for all the fish

This isn’t my first post, but more of an update. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom because this is a long one.

So my ex(F31) and I(M26) broke up about 4 months ago. We live in a foreign country, met over here, quickly fell for each other and spent nearly 4 years together. We’re both Australian. During this time we broke up due to some of my behaviours, which I worked on and we got back together. Then she decided she wanted to pursue a job in another area of the country, and I supported her, even though I couldn’t follow her, it gutted me but I was confident she would come back to me. A year passed and she decided she want to go to another area, again not with. Same thing, I supported her, but was gutted.

While we were living together, I experienced a year and a half of sexual abuse, and despite thinking I was fine, it really damaged me, I become cagey, confrontational around others, and a very dominating person in order to try and maintain control. This led to me lashing out a few people close to me (never her) and she saw this and we broke up.

The break up was horrendous for me. She meant everything to me and I had planned on asking her to marry me. For the first two weeks after the break up, I was a complete wreck, but then I stopped messaging her and told her I needed time to heal myself. I started seeing a psychologist and worked on my issues. I’m very proud to say I have grown so much since the break up. I have become a far more stable and content person, in tune with others emotionally, and re-discovered my ability to empathise with them.

My ex and I started talking again, and then one weekend I went to visit her. We ended up having sex. The connection was still there, but I told her I didn’t want to get back together because I didn’t see us having a future (she wanted to travel for a few more years, I want to go back to Australia). She was fine with this and agreed.

Two weeks ago, after a lot more communication, we organised to spend a weekend at my place. Over the time between me visiting her and her visiting me, I became aware that I may be getting too attached. She came around for the weekend and honestly, it was a fantastic weekend. We had a lot of sex, some of it some of the most intimate sex we’ve ever had. I feel at first I may have been a little pushy for sex in the first round, but she also initiated at least once. We were very comfortable with each other over weekend, there were a couple of “I love you’s” thrown around, I mentioned that if we did get back together, I could see us having a very happy future, and she agreed. She mentioned at one stage she wished she could see two future’s, one with me in it, and one without, and that the reason she wanted that was because she didn’t want to regret breaking up with me.

One small problem: she started dating this other guy. It was early stages, they hadn’t slept together but she liked him, he seemed nice. Well when she first came out to see me she mentioned she was going to leave me a little earlier on the Sunday as she was going to meet some friends and was I OK with that. She asked me like she was asking permission. I wasn’t bothered, I was just happy I got to spend time with her, she never had to ask me permission for anything. Anyway you can probably see where this is going. Saturday morning, as we were planning on heading out she broke down and told me she’d lied to me. Told me she wasn’t seeing friends, she was going on a date with this guy. I was hurt, but I empathised with her as to why she had lied. It must have been awkward for her, and so I supported her.

We still had a fantastic weekend, and this other guy doesn’t know, but we spent over 2 hours making love the morning she went on a date with him. I actually feel bad for him now. I don’t think she did anything wrong really, she’s single and hasn’t committed to him, but if I were in his shoes, I’d be upset.

That weekend was probably the start of things to come. During that week, we had a blow up over feelings. I had come to realise I did want to get back together with her, and I wasn’t happy that she was seeing someone else. She kept saying that us getting back together was going backwards. My point of view is that if we got back together, as long as we were both growing as people, it couldn’t possibly be going backwards. She kept shutting me out, and to me, it felt like she was lying to both herself and me about her feelings. I didn’t mention this at the time, but in my emotional state, I did push her. We made up the night after.

A week later, on Tuesday this week, we spent an hour on the phone. She called me because she was having a bit of a rough time and was a bit emotional. I supported her. She told me about the date she’d had with this guy on the weekend, she’d spent two nights with him. She even told me some of the more intimate details and problems therein. I supported her, because by this point I had resigned myself to the idea that I was so in love with her, I was comfortable to wait while she dated this guy, to be there for her when she came out of that. Then we discussed her coming to see me on a long weekend in a couple of weeks for a birthday celebration. She she wasn’t sure because she didn’t want to have sex and she felt if she came, we wouldn’t be able to control ourselves. I was adamant with her that I would not interfere with her and this other guy, I did not want to put her in that position, and so she said she would think about it.

On the Wednesday, a similar blow up to the week before. This time I was a lot more honest about my feelings, how I was content to wait, because I would always support her. This blow up came after she sent me a string of messages aimed to torture me for hurting her with a throwaway comment 2 years before. I brought up her coming to see me on the long weekend and she said she’d told me no, which I didn’t understand because she’d told me no sex, but that she would consider the weekend. I felt she had gaslit me with the messages to torture me, and was doing it again by telling me she wasn’t coming out. I told her I felt she was lying to herself, and that she was gaslighting me (something she had accused me of in the past). She told me she felt she was trapped and kept getting sucked back in, and that was the point I realised she kept sucking me back in too.

I had previously asked her if she thought this would be a lot less complicated if the other guy wasn’t involved, and she said it would definitely be a lot simpler.

Last night I received a message saying that she was going to cut all communication with me and block me on all forms of contact. I panicked, and I sent her a number of messages on different platforms and called on a number of others, but she blocked me on everything. I was devastated, and I didn’t sleep a lot last night.
This morning I came to realise the hurt I have let her cause me. All throughout our relationship, she would bitch to her friends about my faults, but never told them about the good things I did for her. I never told me friends about her faults. I took so much pride in that relationship. I supported her through everything, and was always there for her, and in a moment when I was feeling very raw and emotional, she cut all ties like I was nothing to her. She kept sucking me back in, torturing me while she dated another guy, dare I say another sucker. She caused me so much pain. And as I realised this, I started to feel a sense of relief.
So I’m saying good bye. I’m a sucker for her, and it’s likely I’ll get sucked back in if she starts contacting me again, but for now, so long and thanks for all the fish.

TL;DR – Ex and I broke up, started getting back together while she dated another guy, she sucked me back in while gaslighting me at the same time, and then completely cut me out and killed me in doing so. Now I’m saying so long, and thanks for all the fish.