Goodbyes

Hey everyone, I was here a few days ago. I said I had failed, and nothing has changed. She’s gone, and I can’t save the situation. Even no contact couldn’t save me, self improvement couldn’t.
I’m beginning a long & difficult journey to moving on. I have some ideas on where to begin, but I’m still a bit scared. I put everything that reminds me of her in a box, and put it somewhere safe. I just don’t have the heart to throw it all away, but I can’t see it all the time if I really want to take a shot at this.
I know most here wouldn’t agree, but I sent her one last message. I finally opened up to my brother & sister about what I’m going through, including the bad thoughts & self harm incidents. I told them what my ex said, that “the way things ended broke her heart”. They both agreed that letting her know it’s ok that she left, and I don’t hate her, might give her some closure after how out of control I’ve been.
It’s true, everything else I did was just a bunch of bull to get her back. I was selfish, and I still am. I have a lot to speak to my therapist about if I can book an appointment with one. Still looking on goodthereapy to find someone who fits my schedule..
Below is my final message to her. I’ve deleted her number, including messages and call history, so I can’t relapse and find her later. I have no access to her on pretty much every social media platform, which is for the best. I’ve accepted this message won’t bring me closure, but I hope it can bring some to her. If it does that, maybe I can start to forgive myself someday.

To my Haley,

I know I’ve tried & failed to say it before, but this is goodbye. I finally realized that you & I are over, and there’s nothing I can do to save us. I thought I was doing all I could to show you how much I loved you these past few weeks, and I really did want you to change your mind & come back. But after thinking about what you said, how the way things ended broke your heart, it makes me realize how selfish I’ve been. It just made things worse & I’m the reason that it ended so badly. Sure I didn’t want us to end, and I was fighting it really hard. You needed your space, and I needed my reassurance, I wish I saw that earlier. But somewhere along the way, I know I really hurt you, and I simply can’t live with that.
If these are the last words I’ll ever say to you, please be patient & give me a chance to pick up the pieces of your broken heart, even if I can’t. I’ve said so many things I regret & didn’t mean. I looked through our messages & discovered I even told you I hate you at one point… I don’t even remember doing that, but I definitely didn’t mean it.
I could be wrong, but I think the way things ended hurt you for the same reasons I’m beginning to realize it hurts me: What we had was real. Even if it wasn’t working out, we truly loved each other. It’s so wrong to walk away from what we shared together with regrets, when we should both me thankful. I now know what it’s like to love someone with everything I have, and that’s a blessing, not a curse. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
You know what I’ll always remember about you? How you used to get so excited for baby clothes, or clap really fast if something made you excited. I’ll remember the little happy dance you used to do at the table when we would go out to eat. I’ll remember how you would grab my hand & trot over to something you were excited to look at, even if it was usually shoes or a purse. I’ll remember how sometimes you would make fun of me just to make me laugh or cheer me up. I’m really gonna miss all those things a lot.
I’ll never forget when that park ranger at Edgewater said “Hey y’all, the parks closed”, and we made fun of him for 2 weeks. I’ll never forget when we would yell at the geese in the mall parking lot for no reason. I’ll never forget all the ways I edited that photo of you playing pool table, my favorite was the one of you fixing a car. I’ll never forget when those teenagers out front of Denny’s on Lorain were acting dumb. You and I gave them a crazy look & they stopped right away, they were so embarrassed & it was the best. I’ll never forget all those nights in my car when I tried to put change in your purse or draw on your leg, and we would go back & forth doing that for an hour. The truth is, I was really trying to find the courage to kiss you.
But what I’ll remember most about you, are the times when the whole world stopped turning for a moment, and nothing seemed to exist besides you & me. Like when I first saw you, walking up to me outside Sears at Great Northern, wearing your Columbia sweater & your sparkly boots. Like when we were at 2 Bucks on your birthday, and you sat next to me & rested your head on my shoulder. We were playing Pool with Bryan, Nicole, and Jill. I lied to Bryan and Nicole, telling them it was their turn, just so I could have that moment with you a little bit longer. We actually lost the game because of that, but I don’t regret it.
I’ll always remember the time I first kissed you, and my whole body shut down. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t believe what just happened. I said “Did I do that right?”, and then you put your hand on my face & turned me back towards you, and you kissed me again. I was literally done, it was the happiest moment of my life.
I’ll always remember when I spent the night with you, and when I woke up next to you in the morning, everything felt right about the world. I remember gazing into your eyes & thinking “I want this forever”. We let Packard outside, and then we went to Starbucks. And the first time we cuddled, I loved feeling like I could hold you tight and never let you go. We were in your basement watching Big Mouth. Just knowing you were mine, and you were there next to me was an amazing feeling.
I’ll always remember the night you sat in my driveway, in your Jeep. Door open, me trying to say I love you, but I was too nervous. So I wrote it on that napkin, and told you not to look at it until you get home. I called you like I usually would on your way home. Just like usual, you were by the Malley’s Chocolate silos when you picked up the phone.
Before we hung up, I said “I miss you”. I put every feeling I had for you into that “I miss you”, now you know what I really wanted to say. You didn’t even see what I wrote that night. But when you told me you felt the same way I do the next day, that was the closest I ever came to crying because I was happy. I settled for jumping, running, and yelling “YES!” a bunch of times instead.
I don’t want to say goodbye, at all. You mean so much to me. But I can’t let you leave thinking that I’ll only remember you for how things ended, because that will be the last thing I think about, I promise. Lately, I just keep praying that you’ll remember me the same way. You’ll always have a special place in my heart, and you’ll always be my Haley.
I’m putting everything that reminds me of you in a box, and putting it somewhere safe. That way I can’t see it all the time, but I’ll always know it’s there. I could never delete our memories, or throw them away, I just can’t. What we had meant so much to me, and the memories don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’ve been to 4 different stores now, and I still haven’t found a box that’s good enough. I’m surprisingly picky about it, I never knew it could be so hard. But it’s important to me that the box is just right, it has to be special because you are.
Promise me that if you’re ever feeling sad or down about yourself, for any reason, that you’ll try to see yourself through my eyes. The eyes of someone who took nearly 1000 pictures of the most beautiful woman in the world. I feel really lucky, and it was a true privilege to be your boyfriend. You showed me what if felt like to be loved, and I’ll always cherish that. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me, and I mean that. I don’t care how much it hurt to lose you, if that’s the price I had to pay to know your love, it was worth it. You made me better than I was before, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I’ll never forget you.
Know that you’ll never be alone, know that if you ever need me, I’ll be there. Just find me, and I’ll be there.

Goodbye Haley, I love you.