Bobby (My Situation)

I’m Bobby, 26 years old, sort of a big deal (Ok, take the last one with a grain of salt)

I’m hoping to post my story here and see what others think, it’s nice not to go it alone. I’ll try to keep it a reasonable length, but no promises. I appreciate all who read it though.

THE RELATIONSHIP:
My ex (Haley) and I met at the end of April 2018. I like to think we took it slow, hung out a lot for 2 months, and began dating July 7. We didn’t kiss until July 22, told her I loved her by slipping a note in her hoodie around early-mid September, didn’t have sex until December.
To some, the sex part can be cringe worthy. Six months is a long time to go without that sort of intimacy. Thing is, I was a virgin. Her patience & understanding my anxiety about something I’ve never done is in my view, part of what made us good for each other. That said, I think that part of our relationship was fine (At least I believe so, not concerned about it)
For the most part, we were good together. She was loving and understanding, sometimes a coach on my bad days. Although there were some times when we were getting stale thanks to not trying new things (Late November-Early December)

THE BREAKUP:
{REASON FOR}
I’ve always had some career related anxiety (Carpenter’s Apprentice). I spent a month laid off (March) and tbh, I never got serious about looking for work until early April when I could tell it was bothering her. I was too focused on waiting for the companies I’d already worked for to call me back. I was also hell bent on getting in with 1 other company I thought would be a good fit for me. In the end, none of those options worked out.
Now to make something clear, my ex and I were both living at home, so we weren’t financially dependent on one another. But she was always serious about getting a house & having kids once she graduated college & my apprenticeship was up. Simply put, focusing on 3 companies is NOT enough. I can’t blame her for thinking I wasn’t taking the process seriously enough, or that I ever would. It was the 2nd time I’d prolonged a layoff due to fear of a new start, so she probably thought it was becoming a pattern.
In the last few days of our relationship, I got serious. I found a job with a new company within 2 days. But it was too late, I began a new job the same day we broke up (April 9).
{MY MISTAKES}
My goodness was I a childish ass about the breakup. Lots of “You don’t love me anymore” or “We belong together”. I guilt tripped her and put her under a lot of stress, I was desperate. We almost got back together after 2-3 weeks, it was actually her idea. But then she changed her mind.. After that was more of the same: Me trying to be romantic, guilt trip her, remind her of old times, tell her I would change, some arguing. I was desperate to light a spark about us within her, whatever it took. Looking back, I’m ashamed.
We met up May 15 so she could give me some of my things back. It was a 10 minute exchange at the most in the mall parking lot. I almost let her walk away without me saying a word after she gave me my stuff, but I couldn’t. I got out of my car, jogged up to her, and hugged her for a good 9 of those 10 minutes. We both cried, and I kissed her one last time before slipping a note in her hand. It was the receipt from our first date, with a long love letter I had written her before we broke up on the back. That was the last time I saw her.
After that, I grew more needy and desperate. I’ve tried and failed no contact twice (Only made it a week both times). I had one weekend where I was suicidal and hurt myself, hoping that doing so would help me realize I didn’t wanna go any further. It did, and I managed not to let her find out I was feeling that way. Even in my lowest moment, I didn’t wanna use my pain to manipulate her, as I knew that would be the end. Luckily I’d limited my interactions with her during that time to telling her why we would be good together, and nothing more serious about what I was going through.
{WHERE I’M AT NOW}
I’ve bounced back from the depression in a big way. Since the breakup happened, I’ve been lifting weights and avoiding sugar. I’ve lost 20lbs, admittedly some because there were times I wasn’t eating. Grant it, I didn’t lose the weight through dieting and exercise alone. I started lifting as an outlet for pain, but the past 2 weeks I see it more as a route to help redefine myself. I’m in maybe the best shape of my life, but I wanna take it to the next level by the end of no contact.
I’m growing a beard. New look, new me. I like it so far.
And most of all, I finally found the courage to read old messages. I’ve realized most of this was on me, and I’m taking action.
Every 3 months, carpenter apprentices go to school for a week to learn about different subjects. I got the highest grade in my class, something I’ve never done before.
I’m accepting more challenges at work, trying to do things by myself even if I fail. I’m studying my specific field of carpentry more during my free time. Anything to help kill career anxiety by just trying to get better. I feel much better about my career, I’ve made too much progress not to.
I’m also looking into why I acted the way I did after the breakup, I know I pushed her away. I just got through my first week of no contact unscathed. For the first time, I didn’t message her by the end of the weekend.
July 8 is the day for the Elephant text, the day after what would have been our 1 year anniversary. I’m not messaging her on the 7th, I don’t want to use the occasion as an excuse. But none the less, I feel like it presents an opportunity for her to be more open to hearing from me if I message her in the days that follow. I know she’ll miss me that day, 100%. I’m gonna say sorry for how I acted, back off, and take it slow. Everything to the letter from now on.
I’ve made a lot of progress, and I know I’ll make more in the next 3 weeks. But it’s still hard to get through no contact some days. I’m determined to be a better me, so I can mean everything I say when it’s finally time to prove that things are better.

Thanks for reading