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Long story short-ish, I’m 37m she is 33f. We met platonically 20 years ago. Time past by, we met again. She FB messaged me that it was good to see me and I asked her out for a drink. Since that day in Feb of 2014, we have not gone more than 2 days without seeing each other. We fell in love early and it was great… For 3 years.
In July of 2017 we bought a house for her, myself and my 15 year old son whom I have full custody of. They got along excellent before we moved in together. There were I love yous’s, hugs, and everything thrown around between them. I was in heaven. I proposed marriage in Xmas eve. She accepted.
He hit puberty 1 month before we moved in and turned into a different kid. She has no kids and had lived alone for years before me. It was a struggle to say the least. I had a long and tough divorce from my ex wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Since he was born I protected him from his mom and the world. It’s the only way I know how to parent him.
Turns out that even though I wanted her as my family, I protected him from her too. I couldn’t compromise with her. I wasn’t equipped to. She began building resentment toward me. I didn’t listen to her or hear her until it was too late and 1 foot was out the door. I went into hyperdrive and learned what I could, took a step back and saw her perspective. I changed my ways quickly and earnestly to include her. Her reaction… Too little too late.
On Easter we broke up. Two days later I offered the change and began showing it. She spent the next month waffling back and forth about staying or leaving. Turns out, there was another man. She was choosing between he and I.
I put her emotionally into a spot where she accepted another advances. She chose him. I was crushed and found this site. She moved out May 1. I started NC. She is still with him.
Yesterday I saw a post on FB about from the guy damning cheaters and cheating from 1 year ago. Foolishly I messaged the poster who turned out to be his cousin. Last night she called me at 12:30, and finally hung up at 2am. We fought and I heard her like I never had before. I was embarrassed at my pettiness so I apologized. She yelled more and accused me of sleeping with a friend. Not true. There was more, but that’s the gist of it.
How bad did I screw up any chance? I’ll restart NC, continue building myself to be better and to help my son with authorative women. Did I shut that door permanently with her? Thoughts on recovery, if any?While she’s with the guy, it would be best for you to do nothing and don’t contact her and keep the door shut for now. But continue being receptive and understanding of your teenager and guide him gently into adulthood with kindness while at the same time being firm and setting limits. Don’t allow him to be disrespectful of adults no matter what. In time your ex might decide the relationship she’s in now isn’t as good as the one she had with you, but there’s no way to predict that! What did you message the guy?
Don’t stalk social media.. Good luck.Well, I responded to the poster of the video and not to the guy himself. I mentioned to her that she was engaged up until 1 or 2 weeks ago and they had been cheating for over a month. I said things like not wanting her hurt and all the rest of everything you aren’t supposed to say. There was nothing threatening, just needed it out there. I don’t know if he knew she was engaged.
During our early morning yell fest, she repeated what he said and it was “some guy named Paul from (hometown) messaged my cousin”. Makes me think he never k Ew about me.
I’ve since gotten my son into counseling, and now that this devastation is subsiding I can focus on work, improving myself and him again. I ask myself every day if I’d take her back and the answer is always yes.
The thing is, I don’t know if she hurts like me or at all. I don’t think she’ll come back, so I’m preparing myself for that as best I can.
We had it good for so long. The fighting was minimal and petty and money was never an issue. I just don’t understand how I was replaced so quickly after all that time.Yelling doesn’t solve anything! When there are problems, calmly discussion and showing respect is in order for both sides to try to resolve issues and compromise if necessary. Fighting and arguing is NEVER minimal or petty as it adds up over time and resentments build.
Best to stay away from Facebook while you’re trying to heal. She should have broken with you before she got involved with the other guy! Cheating is a character flaw and most repeat it so I’m not sure why you would want her back. How could you ever trust her again? Getting along great for a few years while things were going well is fairly easy, but it’s when things get tough that you find out how well one can navigate through troubles.
Glad to hear you have your son in therapy and surely it will help. She might be hurting, but probably not much, if at all, since she’s with someone else now. Continue no contact and take care of yourself and son. Best wishes..
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