This situation seems hopeless, I need advice

I’ll try to keep this brief while trying to detail as much as possible, any advice or input is greatly appreciated. I want this girl back, but I don’t know if there’s been too much damage done already.

I was with my ex for 4 months, we were an instant match and started dating only 2 and a half weeks later after meeting. Not that this matters at this point, but she was the one who approached me and started chasing me and she claims she has never done that with any other guy in her life. Everything seemed to align perfectly, from our music taste to our outlook on life…I was on cloud 9 and thought I finally found the person I’d always been looking for. Though it was only 4 months in duration, the relationship was very intense both emotionally and physically. We crossed into the territory of passionate “I love you’s” and she wrote me love letters saying that even though we hadn’t known each other very long that she knew “I was it for her,” “I was the one,” etc. She even told me that if I had proposed to her to get married that she would say yes (even up until the day before the breakup). I was and still am very much in love with this girl.

So here are what the two major problems were in the relationship that led to the break up:

Problem #1. I have been indecisive about my career path and discussing it with her/always changing my mind made her very frustrated. Regardless, I currently have a good entry-level job for my age that will propel me into a good career no matter what my choice is. Then there is also the fact that she does not even have her bachelor’s degree yet. I felt as though I was being judged too harshly by her when she is nowhere close to being into her career yet while I am in a good place. Another thing to note is that before I met her I was absolutely positive in the path I was choosing. She started “testing” me and suggesting I was settling for less with my choice, and it wasn’t until then that I started questioning myself as well. I realize now that I failed this test and was not showing masculinity by being absolutely sure of my path.

Problem #2. This was the much bigger problem and ultimately led to us not being together. She said she has always been a girl that has “always had mostly guy friends,” whatever that means (I hate when girls say that). Although her friends are now mostly female, her “close” guy friend at the moment is a relic of her past relationship and was friends with her ex and also dated one of her friends briefly. He told her when she was dating her ex that her ex was no good for her, or something of that nature. That caused a riff in their friendship for some time and they recently started being friends again. I met this dude when we went out to eat at the restaurant he works at, and when we met she completely ignored me and talked to him. I was polite but said nothing and did not think twice about it all. That following Friday (a few nights later) I was at work and she texted me saying she was going out for drinks with this dude and then to the club as his “wingman.” I wasn’t cool with this, and started being short with her in my texts and she picked up that something was wrong and tried to reassure me they were only friends, blah blah blah.

I told her I was not cool with her hanging out with another dude one on one, especially since I would be off work later that night and she was going to be doing that instead of hanging with me. She offered that I come join them, but I felt I was only being invited because of how I reacted and not from a genuine place of her wanting me to come. Eventually she went home then invited me over after I was off work. I ended up not going to see her though due to miscommunication and because she got mad when I asked if she was sure she wanted to be in a committed relationship. We made up the next day and all was well for awhile.

Then one night she invited me over to her friends house, and this is where I admittedly fucked up the hardest. When I got there she said it was her and her friend hanging out with two of her other guy friends. I overreacted to the situation before meeting her friends and got jealous and gave her the ultimatum that I wasn’t cool with this and that this was the kind of thing that would drive us apart (I looked at the situation as a black and white issue, i.e. her and her friend chilling with two dudes). I pushed the issue too far with my jealousy and should have just let it go. My overreaction and unwarranted jealousy here is what set up the end in my mind, and I hate myself for it every day. I was a fool that night and regret my behavior in the worst of ways.
A few days later she said we needed to talk about what happened that night and also about the night she went out with her close guy friend. The conversation started fine but then escalated because I still foolishly wouldn’t back down from my position (I know this was dumb and I am really ashamed.) It got to the point where she said she wouldn’t hang out one on one with dudes anymore, but I still kept pushing. Eventually she got really angry and said she was going to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted regardless of what I thought. I ended up walking out of her house because I was frustrated and she yelled to me “if you’re gone, you’re gone!” This was the first time we broke up (about a month ago), but after contemplating my behavior I realized I was very wrong and we ended up getting back together a few days later. When we got back together I told her it was never my intention to control her and that it was all my fault, etc.
When we were talking the day we got back together she was saying how she was hanging out at her close guy friends house a few nights before (while we were broken up) and about him and his relationship with his girlfriend that was on the fritz. I was thinking she was testing me to see how I reacted, so I chose to think nothing of it because I was just happy to have her back and was looking towards the future. A couple weeks later while we were at the gym, I saw that she got a text from her close guy friend (same dude) and I also saw that she deleted the conversation. I have no idea what the text said or anything, but I know for sure she deleted it. I buried this and told myself I was being overly jealous and not to worry about it and to not bring it up with her by any means. About a week and a half ago, we spent the weekend together and everything was all good and well. On Monday she said she had to go home that night because she was “busy.” The whole night she was not as responsive with her texts and sent me a few snapchats of her and her dog laying on the couch. The next day we were texting and I asked her what she was up to the night before, and she said she had to go home and clean and then her close guy friend came over to watch a movie.

I know I told her I wouldn’t care what she did, but this was where my boundary was I suppose. I thought about that deleted text and I reacted with “Are you serious?” to saying it was “disrespectful, not cool, how she left me to hang out with him instead, etc.” She said that it wasn’t a big deal and that her parents were home, to which I responded her parents were home the times when her and I hooked up while watching a movie. We had even had conversations before about what “watching a movie” really means in terms of girls and guys hanging out. She said she didn’t want to talk about it…with me being angry, I kept pushing and saying it was always about what she wanted. She responded with a text saying “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I gave you a second chance with this, etc.” I called to confirm that’s what she wanted and accepted the breakup gracefully, though it is not what I wanted.

The Aftermath:
(Side note: Throughout the relationship, this girl was very hot and cold. When I backed off, she would show more interest and the moment I would show more interest she would back off a little. When we got back together after the first “break up” she said we shouldn’t spend all of our free time together, yet when I intentionally put days between seeing each other her interest would skyrocket saying how badly she misses me and all that. I’m not sure if she was really sure about what it is she wanted.”

Needless to say, I’m very shocked that I was dumped via text by someone who said the day before that she would marry me had I proposed. Especially since the last time we were together was great and ended with us hugging, kissing and exchanging I love you’s. It’s a feeling that has left me inconsolable and feeling like a piece of trash thrown out on the highway. Immediately after the breakup I blocked her on facebook, etc. Stupidly, I sent her a text a few days later (one week ago) saying how “I’m sorry for overreacting and that I’m working on being less overprotective, that I enjoyed our time together and if she wanted to talk then cool and if not that’s cool too.” She responded a few hours later saying “I also overreacted but I’m content with my decision, I knew you wouldn’t change on this issue, I never wanted to hurt you, maybe we could be friends.” To which I responded “I can’t do the whole friends thing, I don’t want you to contact me unless you want me, I can’t settle for less, I wish you all the best.”

Today we were supposed to be on vacation together with her family. I already paid for my spot at the beach condo a few weeks ago and requested politely I get my money back via mail when we broke up. I told my close friend this and he thought it was really fucked up that I have not received my money for a vacation that I should be on right now and that I already requested off work, etc. He sent her a facebook message a few days ago saying that I was busy and that he would come pick up the money but she never responded. At this point I don’t give a shit about the money and I’m just going to let it go. I am actually ashamed of asking for it back during the breakup because it’s just a petty thing to do.

Anyway, I have been doing no contact since that last text I sent her a week ago (I wish I would have just gone NC right after we broke up but I was stupid). I realize that at this point that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to get her back and that I need to move on, focus on myself, etc. I know that the more I do, as in if I contact her it will push her even further away. Regardless, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wake up every morning in a panic/state of disbelief that instead of being with her at the beach I’m simply on my own now.

I can’t get her face and her beauty out of my mind and I feel like I’m detoxing off of a drug. I truly believed I would spend the rest of my life with this person. I believed with my whole being and to my core that my whole life had led to her, yet now I am picking up the pieces and self-loathing about losing her. I regret all the mistakes I made and really can’t even face myself for not being wiser and avoiding this awful state of pain. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by writing this and putting this out there, but I greatly appreciate any input and any honest words about the situation. If anyone has been through anything similar please feel free to share.