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Boards Reconciliation Should I continue to reconcile or go back to no contact?

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 27 total)
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  • #113556
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    I made a post a few days ago but it appears it is still under moderation. I am a first time poster and I’m not sure how long moderation takes but just incase it’s been denied I’m going to make a post that better follows guidelines. Apologies in advance, and I’ll try to keep this short.

    Me and my ex were LDR for 8 months. We met up once in real life at month 6, and it was the best time of both of our lives. Broke up because he was unhappy with the lack of connection and face-to-face video calling (I have body dysmorphia, I had a hard time doing it.).

    At first he wanted to not talk to me again so he could move on. I respected his wishes, and didn’t plan on talking to him again. However, only 4 days later, he came back to me and apologized, saying he still wanted to be my friend because he cared about me. I told him no, because I was still hurting. He handled it gracefully and left me alone.

    I found out he got a girlfriend (who shows every single telltale sound of a rebound). I got mad, messaged him about it. Big mistake, but he forgave me after I realized it was rude of me to do so when we’re not together. Stopped talking again. I mostly panicked because she goes to his university, and I was deathly afraid of him forgetting about me since she’s in a physical relationship with him.

    His birthday came around, I wished him a happy birthday. We both got emotional, he was intoxicated, he felt really bad. Decided to stop talking. Told me the next morning “I still miss you horribly, so we can’t keep talking like that. It sets me back.”

    I didn’t talk to him again until I found out he did something to betray my trust (it’s hard to explain and a long story.) a while back, so I messaged him again in tears. He felt really bad about it, and talked with me for 3 days because he knew he did something really bad. The first day we talked about the incident and forgave each other. The second day we kind of both broke down emotionally, mostly him. He told me he still had dreams about me and that we were still together in them, he told me he was still crazy in love with me, he told me he missed me so much it hurt. But he started panicking, telling me “I don’t want to mess up with this new girl, I really like her.” I think I gained the patience and willpower from some being above, because even though it felt like a gunshot to the heart, I told him “I’m glad you’re happy with her.” And I’m glad I didn’t freak out. The last thing he said before he went to bed was “I love you.” And the last day, he said he made a lot of mistakes and set me back in moving on, and he said he was sorry. He also told me “Distance was the downfall of our relationship” even though I’m skeptical of it being an actual reason. We aren’t able to move in together for 5 years or more due to education, but the entire 8 months we were together we were so happy and didn’t care about the distance, and felt like the one time we met up was so happy. I wanted to fight tooth and nail to have that experience with him again and again, until we eventually could be together in real life. I think he felt the same, but told me “it’s a moneysink” even though every single time we brought it up while we were together, he said “I don’t care, I’m willing to pay whatever to see you again”. So even though it makes me panicked, I don’t think he really believes it. I always let him know I still love him and if he ever wants to come back, he can, but I don’t want to sit around and wither away waiting for him. I think this was a mistake on my part, but we were just always honest and he thinks nothing bad of me and never has.

    We only had casual conversation a few times past that blowup, until yesterday, when I made what I hoped wasn’t a mistake, but only blew up because a mutual friend made it worse. We have a mutual chatroom on the app discord, where we both talk a crazy amount. He started talking about his girlfriend a lot, and what felt like it was only when I was talking in chat and it was usually out of absolutely nowhere. I didn’t want to demonize him for being happy, even though it felt like a stab at my attention and slightly hurt, so I left the server. I told the owner of the server why I left (mutual friend) but he freaked out and started attacking my ex. So my ex came to me telling me to “cut the drama” I told him drama wasn’t my intention, I did it to help me heal better. (server owner) is the one creating drama. I want no bad blood, yada yada. He apologized for attacking me, realized why I left, and told me he was “happy to see me in that server again”. And now I’m here.

    I’m not sure if I should go back into no contact or continue to try to be his friend. I feel like this recent explosion/drama/whatever it is set me back. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in this breakup, my only saving grace is he thinks of me very highly and understands that I’m hurt, and he is too. I’m deathly scared of him forgetting about me, which I know every article about no contact says, but the thing is his new girlfriend is physical, and they’re with each other all the time. We talked all the time when we were together, but it was only through a screen. But he still wants to be in contact and talk and cares a lot about me, and I know he still has a lot of feelings for me and doesn’t think bad of me at all, so I feel like being his friend will make him miss me, because it’s worked in the past when we started talking a lot. I’m just not sure, and I would like any advice as to how I should go about this. (Again, I’m sorry if this is clutter to the moderators! Forgive a forum noobie, just unsure if my last post was denied or not :()

    #113558
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Quick little update. Might have made it worse, might have made it better.

    He reached out to me again yesterday, but he wasn’t in a normal mindset because he was on adderall, which makes him really hyperactive and “mind-going-at-a-million-miles-per-hour”. At first it just seemed like he was bored, but he started talking to me about his day, sent me one of his favorite songs he was listening to on repeat, asked how I was, yada yada. Then he said “hey, can you come play (x game) with me? only if you think you can” which I agreed to. We were playing for about 4 hours, and talked in voice chat for about 3 of it. It was really really awkward at first, mostly on my side. I didn’t know what to say because a lot of what I said when we were together was stuff I would only say in a relationship and I was overthinking and overall just panicing. I don’t think he noticed because even though he was talking at a million miles per hour he seemed to be okay with not talking at some points. But when we did talk near the end it was a lot more relaxed. It seemed that it was better when we talked through chat because I’m simply too nervous and overthinking everything I have to say when I talk face to face (I always do, due to anxiety, it’s just worse in a situation like this)

    After he got off he said “thanks for playing with me, it was fun” and talked for a few more minutes before he left to do his own thing.

    I don’t know what to make of this whole thing. I’m not sure if it was a setback or a good thing, if it was simply because he was lonely or actually wanted to talk to me (he genuinely does really like talking to me and always has since we were just friends long ago). However, the thing that makes me the most nervous is that he kept bringing up his new girlfriend. He is well aware it’s a sore subject between us, but he still kept bringing her up. Some of the things he said was out of the blue as well, like “I play way better games than (x) with my girlfriend”, and “my girlfriend plays this game but she’s (x rank)” and just bringing her up when it wasn’t necessary, like asking him “Who else says (dumb funny internet joke we both had with each other)?” jokingly and he replied “my girlfriend, but I had to teach it to her”. I don’t know. It’s very confusing.

    Would appreciate any help. 🙂

    #113564
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    Since you don’t have a boyfriend, you could date other guys and stay friends with your ex too if you want.

    #113565
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    I haven’t really been interested in dating other people. I really just let it happen with friends who I become close to, it’s how I’ve gotten into every relationship I’ve been with. I also don’t want to date people while I’m still hurting from this.

    I want to be his friend because I still care about him more than anything, but I know it’s hard when we both have strong feelings for each other. He says to my face he still loves me while in a rebound relationship, and was the one to initiate friendship in the first place. And I’m sitting here a month later still getting those bouts of heartbreak at night. I’m just not sure what’s best at this point. Not being in contact with him hurt, but because we are long distance and his rebound is around him every single day, I’m afraid he will forget me and abandon me because of the convenience if I go no contact. It’s frustrating to see the right answer when I’m so emotional at this moment.

    #113567
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    It’s not fair to you for him to be with another person and still contacting you. It just prolongs your agony. He won’t forget you if you do no contact. If you go no contact, it will give you a chance to heal from the hurt and start dating others with an open heart.

    #113571
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hey patricia. Thanks for the advice. I was not in a mentally sound place while creating this post and comment but I am much better and realize no contact is the way to go. I had to talk to him again for necessary reasons, and he seemed like it still hurt for me to be talking to him, and I know it hurts for me too. I was having a panic attack at the time (I usually came to him when I have physical panic attacks that were crippling, I haven’t had one since we broke up. But he was happy to help, I could tell we were both hurting still. It opened my eyes.) which probably made me say some dumb things, but he still is very understanding of me and never thinks lower of me for all the pathetic things I have said at the start of the breakup lol.

    I was originally going to tell him we might be worth a shot again because today I found out our long distance problems would no longer be an issue due to education changes and the possibility of online college (I have been in online school for years and thoroughly enjoy it), but I figure it is best to let him heal and go through his rebound before I tell him, and to let myself heal and figure myself out, not to mention pursue my original education path of campus college. I am scared, deep down, that he will lose feelings or drag on the rebound but I figure it is best to live my life and see what happens.

    #113576
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @imisshimbro I’m sorry your hurting, but it will get better with time. You have a great plan and I’m sure it’s the right way to go with no contact. You can both heal emotionally and then see what happens later. Try not to stress out with negative thoughts. Focus on you and your online college work.

    Wishing you the best of everything:)

    #113589
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Hi again, quick update.

    I dont think I ever mentioned that back in July we broke up for a grand total of a day for the exact same reasons as now, but he came back to me within 24 hours saying he didn’t want to have me out of his life and couldn’t imagine being with anybody else even though a future together isn’t very close in sight, but it was still there. I think that is what keeps me going. All that’s in the way is his rebound and me working on issues that made us both unhappy, but I’m glad to say I’ve made great progress.

    I haven’t initiated any contact since my last post, but he has talked to me twice. The first time was him asking about my status (being trapped in an airport for 12 hours). It was upbeat and happy. I told my dad, who was sitting right next to me, that we were talking and I acted as a messager between my ex and him because they always really liked each other. It was sweet. It kind of came to a nosedive when my ex mentioned his girlfriend kind of needlessly, so I didn’t reply.

    Today he messaged me to wish me a happy thanksgiving, and I said the same. He actually carried on the conversation this time past the well wishes. He made a comment about me looking really pretty with my new hair color and sent me a twitter post that reminded me of him. It ended on a good note.

    I did run into him and his girlfriend on a game that all of us play. It kind of ruined my mood and we didn’t talk at all, but I’m sure it’s because of his girlfriend being present.

    I’m pretty bad at no contact obviously but he’s the type of guy to get extremely distressed when I don’t answer him / ignore him. Unsure of what to do.

    Would appreciate any input again. Thanks 🙂

    #113592
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @imisshimbro Sorry about your situation. It has to hurt knowing he’s with someone else! I think you need to message him that you don’t want any contact from him for a month or two so you can have a chance to process the breakup. He should respect your request and not contact you!

    Actually, if it were me, I would ask him not to contact me while he has a girlfriend, but you know best..

    #113600
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Thank you for the insight patricia. It means a lot.

    I really really really do want to go no contact. I am considering it, but I have a lot of anxieties about it. I’m sure he won’t forget me, but I feel like that will push him away. He has always been a physical person (requesting video camming a lot from me while I couldn’t provide it due to dysmorphia and anxiety… it was pretty much our downfall. I realized the “physicality” was what killed our relationship alongside the distance and I didn’t notice or understand until it was far too late…) and knowing he has a girlfriend who (from my friends kind of reporting back to me about her even though it was the last thing I wanted to know lol…) is a clone of me but just in real life. I can’t win against that. I know it’s so bad to compare myself but it’s so hard not to when his rebound is a real life relationship…

    I’m writing this after I’ve had a very long and sad day, but I am just so lost here. I know I should be patient, but I have so much anxiety and worries about being forgotten. The only thing keeping me going at this point is him saying he still loves me and always will, it’s just a matter of seeing if he realizes a few years of distance is worth a lifetime of love (financial burden wouldn’t have been a problem, my dad was willing to pay for everything, bless his heart ='[) and a matter of time to change on both of our parts and a matter of time for his new relationship to run its course.

    I don’t think I can go totally no contact because I genuinely do not think my anxious heart could handle that. I’ve put in a solid policy of NEVER initiating conversation with him for 26 more days. It’s a sort of scuffed no contact, but it’s something. If he doesn’t initiate for 30 days, it’s an easy job, but he’s talked to me at least once per day since I started semi no contact. Times are tough out here.

    Sorry if this is a little word-vomitty. I have had a very hard day and coherent thoughts are difficult to process and put into words.

    #113602
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @imisshimbro I can feel your broken heart through the words you write and I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry you had a bad day and I suspect you’ve had many difficult days this past month or so..

    You seem like a very nice person.. Forgive me for saying this, but he does not seem like a nice person. He knows you love him and yet he dangles his girlfriend in front of your face. He says he loves you, but hurting you intentionally isn’t a loving thing to do! It’s possible he thinks of his “love” for you as only the friendship type. And it’s possible he’s no longer interested in any sort of long distant relationship.

    I know you have body image issues, but any man in love with a woman, would accept her as she is.

    This might be rough to hear, but it’s as if he thinks of you as an option in case it doesn’t work out with the girlfriend. And by continuing to respond to him, you might be playing into his hand. No contact would be extremely difficult for you, but maybe it’s the only way to show him that you have respect for yourself in that you don’t want to be used as a side chick.

    It seems you have a very loving father. What is his advice for you?

    #113604
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Thank you so much patricia. I try to be the nicest person I possibly can be.

    He is a nice person, he just doesn’t do nice things at times, but we all can do that. I’ve talked bad about him at the start of the breakup to people, and I still think I’m a nice person, I just didn’t do a kind thing. This is the only thing he’s done in the breakup that has intentionally “hurt” me, and I have no idea why he’s doing it. I think he’s trying to prove that he’s winning a moving on game, but doesn’t realize it’s counter productive…

    It’s not like he never accepted me for my problems. I think it really did kill us in the end with both of us being totally incapable of being able to handle it. He tried his best to stick with me through the bad days, and I couldn’t have asked for a more loving guy, but I think it slowly poisoned everything because I didn’t know how to properly cope with things. I’ve never been sorry for having an issue that’s so hard to fix, but I’m trying to learn how to cope with it in a way that doesn’t quite literally destroy a relationship.

    I don’t think I’m the “back burner girlfriend”. As of right now, he’s just too scared to commit to long distance because of issues that made it too painful to deal with. His alcoholism absolutely destroyed the last 2 weeks or so of our relationship, but he appears to be getting a lot better, and told me he’s been clean for a long while. He’s also had problems with empathy his entire life, although I never felt like he didn’t love me, he just sometimes felt emotionally distant. I have no idea how that’s going, however. My inability to cope with my body image problems has also been getting better through generally just giving myself a makeover for the better, although I’ve had a few relapses that even I am disappointed in.

    About him not being interested in long distance anymore, I fear that immensely. I wish I knew what to do to fix that. The only things I could come up with for him to move up to me since he’s about to finish college, or I move down to him, which I wouldn’t mind, but would be really hard. He only started quoting “long distance relationship” as a problem after we broke up. He was really happy when it all worked out, and I know I was too. I know I would be willing to wait a few years for the rest of our lives, and I know he would too. I just think that the quite toxic relationship we had near the end scared him away, and I don’t really blame him at this point. It’s why I’m trying to work on myself.

    My father is really a nice man. I never asked him for advice, unfortunately. When I told him about my relationship breaking apart he didn’t really offer any advice because I didn’t want any, he just consoled me. I probably should ask him sometime if I can get the courage.

    Thank you for your wise words, patricia. It really means a ton =’)

    #113606
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @imisshimbro Issues with alcohol are often life long battles. And I’m sorry to say, but most “relationships” with alcoholics don’t work out in the long run. If he admitted his problem, stopped drinking, attended alcoholics anonymous, then there’s a chance for a better relationship. Otherwise, you would continually hit bumps in the road which would be very difficult to handle.

    I’m glad to hear he was supportive of you at times, but you seem to place the entire blame for the breakup on yourself. And you’re making “excuses” for his bad behavior! I think somehow he made you feel guilty and at fault for it..

    I think you should discuss the entire situation with your father! Fathers want only the best for their daughters and he can give you an objective insight and maybe some very good advice.

    #113607
    Avatarimisshimbro
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 15

    Allegedly, he has stopped drinking, but only because of this new girl (she went through something traumatic apparently and it made him realize it was bad… although I think it’s fishy because him drinking has ruined many of our nights and it saddens me to see him not realize it after those times.) So I don’t know how long that will last, or if he’s even telling the truth about not drinking.

    I don’t place all of the blame on myself. but I’m okay with accepting fault. I did things wrong, but I’m working on them. I’m not sure how it’s going over on his side.

    I will talk to him soon. I’ll report back.

    #113618
    Avatartanda
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 52

    Hey there, I definitely think Patricia has given you good advise. What I will add is that you definitely should do no contact. Have you tried going on walks (indoors in malls if it’s cold where you are), working out and other activities to clear your mind?

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