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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #115589
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    Hello everyone and sorry but this will be a long one. I really need advice and help so a big thank you for everyone who manages to read this. I didn’t know how to make it shourter without sounding missing important details.

    I(21M) and my ex-girlfriend(21F) were together for 2 years and 5 months. We are from the same city but we decided to attend university in different places. She went to the capital of our country while I went to the UK. The first year we were semi-long distance. We spent 7 month apart and 5 together. The second was similar but because of Covid I returned home earlier and we have been together together since March. I have always felt guilty for the distance in those first two years so when my university said that because of the pandemic all courses will be online I decided to go the city where my ex studies. I took a somewhat bad job in my field to pay the bills. I found an apartment. During this whole process my girlfriend was ecstatic and was so happy that we will be together. I shared with her that I will be lonely in the new apartment because I did not have many friends in that city except her. She told me that I should not worry because she will always be with me. I moved to the new city of the 22nd of September.

    I now had to attend online university, a job, apply for internships and a girlfriend. I felt overwhelmed and started needing some space to have some time for me. My ex took that as a sign that I don’t want to spend time with her and was starting to get annoyed. One of the days(1st of October) I felt extremely tired and wanted some alone time she went to talk to her roommates and a boy who was their friend. She took a liking to the boy. Since then we started having more arguments about silly things. The day before the breakup she suggested coming to my place I refused because I had too much work so agreed but then went to talk to the boy. They spent more than 6 hours in his room talking just the two of them. We have set boundaries and this crossed them so I was really angry. I behaved childish and started ignoring her and then exploded. We got into an argument and broke up on the 9th of October. Her official reason was that I too despotic and controlling. She told me that she had no interest in a relationship with this person and just wanted new interesting conversations. I was the first boyfriend that she did not block and delete from everywhere I started becoming extremely needy after the breakup constantly texting her. She started pulling back and responding less and less or with one work until I begged her to go out with me to fix things and she refused so I stopped initiating conversations with her. From then on she is the only one who has started the conversations.

    One week after the breakup at about 00:00 she texted me like 7-8 messages how perfect I was even if I did not realize it. How much she misses talking to me because I was so smart and she could always learn something new and useful from me and how much she misses talking to me in English (not our first language) because it was our secret language. She also changed her reaction to my new profile picture from a like to a heart.
    On the 14th day since the breakup she texted me how her phone was so full of our photos and how she had so many unforgettable memories with me and how I would always be her partner in crime. How much she misses our favourite places, how much she likes talking to me and how easy it was.

    On the 15th day we met because we had some personal items to exchange. I did not know if I should hug her or shake her hand and she came and hugged me tightly. We talked for about 2 hours. She told me that she is in a relationship with the other guy since the 14th of October. She wants it to be serious. She said that she loves him so much and how happy he makes her feel and how much he inspired her. During our conversation she told me the following things: I am smarter than him, I am funnier than him, I am better in bed than him, how she calls him with my name from time to time, how she thinks of me from time to time and she misses me a lot, how were just as good looking as each other but he has some qualities which I did not have and dressed better. She still chooses to be with him because she thinks their personalities matched more. He is the opposite of me. I am a more explosive type just as my ex is while he is calmer. My ex and I had some really heated arguments about stupid things from time to time but always made up after about 15 minutes. She also asked if I was flirting with her in a provocative tone. She also touched my butt. Since the breakup I lost around 6kg and have started exercising so I looked better. I jokingly said that if I removed my shirt I could impress her. She has this look when something has turned on and she looked at me that way when I said the above-mentioned thing.

    I realized that I ever since the breakup I had always been the one apologizing for everything and had basically acting like a doormat. Always making compliments. Always saying sorry for this and that. I could not move on and grow if I do not tell exactly how her betrayal made me feel. So yesterday I called her. She reacted badly – she was defensive and got angry when I told her. A lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Since yesterday(29th of October) I plan on going no contact for at least 2-3 weeks. Before that we would have a short chat every few days. I know that our conversation had angered her and made her feel guilty because she has since then she has deleted our messenger conversation and that means she is still thinking of me a lot.

    I think she is trying to force this relationship because she acted a bit out of character when we met. Her hair was in a way she has never done before. She hates strong scented perfume but she was wearing one right now. She said she hates it but she feels that she needs to wear it. She also did not wear any bracelets before but was wearing one now. She had put our conversation on ignore for 4 days and when I asked her why she told me that the new guy opened her phone and she did not want him to see us talking because it was private. I asked her if she removed my photo from her wallet and she said yes because he opens her wallet. When I called her yesterday she said why are calling me what if I am not alone? She never says that she does not want those things only that he must not know. The three of us coincidently decided to travel with the same train on Monday and she called me to tell me to switch trained so I do not meet him so she does not have to explain that I am her ex. I refused and told her she can switch and I can catch any train I want because I am not obliged to do anything for her now. I think of two possibilities – that if she breaks up with him she would have left me for nothing and be all alone. The other one is that she never had any artist friends(she is an artist) and now is part of a group and fears that if she breaks up with him she will lose her new friends.

    I know what I have work on myself and know what exactly needs to change. I also need to build my confidence again. Is there any other course of action I can take if I want her back? Will no contact work or is she too in love in the moment to notice? Could she be in a rebound relationship? Is she forcing the relationship and if yes why is she doing this?

    #115607
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @nikolay1499 Other than the “long distant” time, where there any issues she had with you personally?

    If her temperament is more like yours and the new boyfriend is a calmer type, that could be a relief for her from the many arguments you two used to have.. He might be a rebound. She is comparing the two of you in various areas, and yet says she loves him. She sends text to you, but doesn’t want the boyfriend to know. Sorry to say that she a dishonest, devious, and manipulative person!

    Arguments (especially due to silly little things) is never good in a relationship (even if make-ups follow) because most often there is a build up of anger and resentment.. Two people might have disagreements from time to time, but it shouldn’t be often and should NEVER be explosive and angry (ex. shouting, swearing, name calling etc.) Disagreements should be addressed by calm discussions with each person listening to the others point of view and then possible compromising.

    Since you’ve been apologetic several times and she is now “with” someone else, and doesn’t want to try reconciliation, I suggest you do no contact indefinitely. But first send on last text to say you want no contact because you’re try to cope with the breakup. If she breaks up with the other guy, most likely she will get in touch with you and then it might be possible that you two could calmly work through the difficulties you had during the relationship..

    Good luck.

    #115608
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    @patricia12 the other issue she has had with me is that I was despotic abd too controlling. All rules that applied to her applied to me as well and we have set them together. I really may have been despotic from time to time and I have apologized for that.
    When I asked her when we met why we broke up she told me that was tired of the arguing and it was draining to her.

    Last Thursday I called her to tell her how I felt and told her that I won’t be contacting her anymore. Do you think that 2 weeks are enough or 3 weeks are better? She may currently be on a high because of the new relationship and love.

    Also since we liked the same pages on social media the things that she likes appear to me as well. Some of her recent likes include posts like “Hardest pill to swallow? Letting go of a relationship you really wanted to work.” and “isn’t it funny how much time we invest in one person only to end up as strangers again”. This is confusing to me because it is giving me mixed messages like she wants something from me. She also keeps listening to our favourite songs late at night. She also listens to songs about still loving him and stuff like that. This is giving me another headache but I am trying to remove her from my life for now until I can fully control my emotions. After no contact I hope that I can start building attraction again. If I get to meet her I know that I can start but I am not sure if she is willing to talk to me.

    I know what she sees in him but not in me and I have changed that already and if given a chance I will show her as well. Is there anything more I can do that wait and stop obsessing over this person?

    #115610
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @nikolay1499 I repeat; She seems like/acts like a dishonest, devious, and manipulative person! And you say were an over-bearing tyrant (despotic). The breakup was Oct 9th, so I don’t see how it’s possible for you to change in such a short time. If you know a man who has a great relationship, you might pick up some tips as to how to be a better partner. Respect and listening is a part.. Regarding no contact, I gave you a suggestion in the reply above. I also suggest you stop stalking social media for “clues”! You’re only guessing there and of course it’s confusing!

    Isn’t it degrading and showing desperation to try and get back a person who is ‘taken’ and in a relationship? The best case scenario would be to wait for the demise of their relationship and then pursue her and try to win her back.

    The very second you start thinking of her; distract yourself by reading, watching TV, calling friends or family to talk about anything else except her, go shopping, get involved with a hobby, etc. etc..

    #115611
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    @patricia12 She did not like this before. Until the end of September she acted like a completely different person. She was a kind, thoughtful and giving person. Even when I went to the new city to be with her she still acted like before. For example one day we got into a small argument because she wanted to come to my place to clean it and cook for me and I did not want because I do not want to use her as my personal servant. I suggested that we can do it together but she insisted that she wanted to do it while I was at work to surprise me because I deserved it. I was not an over-bearing tyrant but from time to time ignored her opinion and did what I wanted which hurt her a lot. I was acting like that I was feeling stressed because of the change of city and my new responsibilities. I know now what impact I had on her and I know how to control those feelings or how to better share them with my partner in case I am feeling overwhelmed.

    The moment I start thinking about her I start working out to get those feelinga out of my system. There are days like today where the only thing I want is to call her and talk to her for hours. But I know that I must not do that brcause I am still too affected by what happened even if it was almost a month ago.

    I also find trying to get back with her quite desperate but after 2 years and 5 month I am sure that she cannot be over me even if in a new relationship. She has always been the type to rush from one relationship to another. A part of me fears that if I wait for their relationship to fall apart she will have had enough time to completely get over me. I would like to make things work but I have accepted that our previous relationship is dead. I want to try and build a new one with her.

    #115613
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @nikolay1499 She may have been a kind thoughtful person when you were together, but now since she seems to be conflicted, she’s apparently being dishonest and devious with both of you! I’m sure she’s not “over you” and won’t forget you, but she has moved on. If the new relationship falls apart and if she misses you and the better parts of the relationship you had, she might be willing to make amends and reconcile. But right now she’s probably in the infatuation stage and is NOT interested in trying to reconcile! If, as you say, she’s always been the type to rush from one relationship to another (which is immature), no doubt you won’t have to wait long for her to break up with the other guy. Yes, I understand you want to try and build a new/better relationship with her, but it’s not the time to try and do so..

    I know you must be sad, but give time to the situation.. all is not lost yet.. Try to focus on yourself and stop obsessing about her for now.. Wishing you good luck:)

    #115614
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    @particia12 I am trying to currently flush my system our of her presence so I can grow as a person because some part of me is stull obsessing about her. Why do you thing that the no contact should be indefinite? Yes I should not interfere with other’s relationships but the other guy interfeared with mine. I know that it’s morally wrong but it would be somewhat justified.

    I though that a jealousy approach will work on her. She used to be a very jealous person so I first thought that if she saw me with someone else those feeling would resurface. But I don’t think that I should be doing that because this will mean that I am just doing things to get her back. I want to become a better person and grow. Yes I want to be with her but her current personality is not the one I want. I took the breakup extremely bad and I want to learn not to get so emotionally affected by breakups.

    I have an interesting question for you. How do you think will my presence on social media affect her? For example if she sees something that I have posted what feelings will that bring up in her? What is an expected reaction from a person in her situation?

    #115615
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @nikolay1499 You must try to stop obsessing about her! It won’t do any good or help you at all..

    You should do indefinite contact because she is with someone else, she’s playing with your emotions, and she’s not willing to reconcile with you. It’s wrong to project yourself into their relationship because at this stage, it will probably push her more toward the other guy. Not only that, but it would show desperation and low moral values which aren’t attractive. Even if the other guy interfered with your relationship, she was willing to go along with him. You should think more of your own values rather than stoop to his level or hers..

    Trying to make someone jealous is NEVER a good strategy! It’s manipulative and always backfires. Being saddened by a breakup is normal, but obsessing about the past or an unknown future is not! If you really want to become a better person and grow, you need to focus more on yourself and take each day as it comes without reminiscing about the past or thinking of a magical way to get her back.

    Nobody can predict how she would react to your presence or postings on social media. But I advise you to not post anything that has to do with her or whatever you think might get a reaction from her! In fact I suggest you lay low and avoid social media for a while.. There’s a chance that if she realizes you aren’t chasing her and not visiting social media sites as often as you used to, that she will wonder why and maybe even miss you more and more. No guarantees, but the thing to remember is she chose the other guy and nobody forced her. She has to make up her own mind as to what to do without your interference!

    Wishing you well. Continue to better yourself and grow:)

    #115616
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    @patricia12 thank you for the advice. I am trying to take my mind of her but some days are harder that others. I miss that person and sometimes I sound very obsessive. About the social media I went from not posting anything to posting a story every few days. She used to be the central point of my life. My happiness depended almost entirely on her. I did not have the need to share anything with other people because she was enough for me. Now that we are no longer together I feel like sharing what I am doing on social media I do it. I am not doing it with the hope that she will see it but because I want to get my social media insecurities. I have been no contact with her for 6 days now. I hope that I can at least 2 more weeks but I know that I have to contact her some time in the future because she has to give me some items we forgot about.

    #115620
    Avatarnikolay1499
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 6

    @patricia12 a small update. This is the 6th day of no contact and she started texting me. Just random stuff and then she sent me some photos that she had promissed. Should I open them or should I wait? If I open them now and talk to her I think this will be bad for my recovery but at the same time I really want to talk to her. Should I break the no contact rule?

    #115623
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @nikolay1499 I don’t understand “open them”.. How were the photos sent? What is the content of the photos?

    As to the texting, DO NOT reply to whatever she said; simply text back that you don’t want any further contact from her except to make arrangements to get your things back!! If you think the items could possibly sent through postal service, ask her to do it that way..

    It’s time to take back control over your own life! You’re being manipulated and toyed with by her. And even though you want to talk with her, there’s nothing to talk about at this point! She’s with another guy and she doesn’t want to reconcile with you..

    I suggest you stay off social media and instead share what you’re doing with family and friends.

    Since the breakup was fairly recent, I understand some days are more difficult for you, but with time it will get better. Thinking about her and obsessing isn’t going to help you to become more objective and accepting about the situation as it is now..

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