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Hi all!
I was on and off seeing my ex for the past 2.5 years, he has always complained that I take things too intense and that’s why he always pulls away after a good 3-4 months Of us being together.
We broke up in December last year, after a whole month of strict no contact, literally on the 30th day he reached out. I was more than desperate and almost took him back immediately. Things once again escalated quickly and 2 months later he complaint about how this relationship is going too fast and it’s giving him anxiety.
We agreed on taking things slower but a week later he called me said he still feels pressured, and he wants to take a break for real. I then dragged it on using ‘tricks’ like offering him gifts etc which has softened our relationship (or him) big time, after 3 days of not talking he casually reached out. Our conversation lasted about a week and a half(great quality chats but genuinely friendly, not much flirting unless I push for reassurance). I felt again that he was slowly pulling away cause within the week and a half, I was hinting about reconciling the relationship here and there.
Eventually after about 10 days of us casually talking, I decided to pull the rug and told him if he doesn’t want a relationship, he should rather leave me alone so I can’t heal. And he agreed.
After 20 days of strict no contact, I reached out a few days ago. He waited for almost 24 hours to respond, and changed his profile picture for the first time in almost 8 months the same day after I reached out (coincidence or not?) the messages were medium long but only friendly, there s no flirting at all and kinda just died down after 2 days. (He didn’t respond to my last message which was a close statement in anyways)
I know he often sees my WA status (he only has Whatsapp, no other social media), should I go complete radio silent+ indefinite no contact?
Do y’all think he may ever come back??
Oh and just to add… I know this may sound dumb but I went to a really reputable tarot card reader just after I posted this. She predicted that he is not even thinking about the relationship at all right now because it is really confusing for him. However the chances of him reaching out in the next 6 months is very low… and, I know he has already got his dating app back. My mind is going crazy. I really cherish what we have. But I would love to move on in peace if there really is nothing to fight for… please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated..
@dee.dasneves You’ve done all you can do, but he really doesn’t want a committed relationship with you. Yes, I think you should do indefinite no contact.
If he ever changes his mind, he will reach out to you and want to reconcile.
But don’t wait around for him!Hey patricia!
So just a little update, after another 3.5 weeks of no contact, something of mine broke and I had to contact him cause he has the same one that he doesn’t use. I tried to keep it as professional as possible but he was pushing for conversations, although we only sticked to the topic about the device, but he was definitely very chatty. We met up that afternoon for me to collect but because we in quarantine, I only went to pick it up by his door, was a 2 minutes interaction.
Then 2 days in a row, he reached out first quite early in the morning, still about the device but wasn’t anything important that he ‘has’ to text me about. I played it cool, sticked to business and exited the conversation as soon as possible both days.
It has been 2 days since we last spoke (after I ignored his last message saying ‘great I am glad you like the device’)
Should I reach out some time next week just to sort of show him my ‘attitude’ towards getting back into contact? I am a little worried that he would think I brushed him off so I was only borrowing the device instead of regain contact?
Thank you!!
@dee.dasneves What broke?? Did you really have to contact him regarding it and did he let you borrow it or have it??
You wrote on April 29th:”After 20 days of strict no contact, I reached out a few days ago”. So now you’ve initiated contact twice and he hasn’t talked about trying to get back together. If you want to know how he really feels about you, you could wait for him to initiate a message about trying reconciliation or you could either phone or text him and ask if there is a chance to reconcile.
Your other post 4/29; “2.5 years, he has always complained that I take things too intense and that’s why he always pulls away after a good 3-4 months Of us being together”. What exactly do you mean by taking things too intense?? Also it sounds like there might have been several breakups in the 2.5 years.. is that true?
Hey patricia! Thank you for the response!
The thing I borrowed was a cigarette substitute device, long story short our country banned all nicotine products and devices for quarantine, I cant get my device fixed (nor buy a new one) and I am a heavy smoker for 7 years. Unfortunately I absolutely HAD to borrow it from him after the kiosk clearly told me they could only get the device fixed in July. And when I fetched it he said he s not in a rush to get it back, but we agreed on borrowing terms.
He reached out again last night after our president s speech (third time He initiated conversations since I got the device from him), again just sticking to strict business. I ended up Killing the conversation and told him I need to go to bed, and hope he has a great evening with a kissy emoji. He simply replied good night back.
We ve been having an on and off relationship, this is the third time we ve broken up(he came back to me begged me back both times), by *intense* I meant I can’t really live in the moment, once we get close I always start pushing him for more, for example, 2 weeks after we met I pushed him to introduce me to his family, 2 months after we met I told him I wanted to move in with him, when he said it’s not yet time, I throw a fit for weeks. He is the kind of person that rather likes to go with the natural flow. When I start pushing for more, he pulls back and gives me nothing, then I push even more, and eventually he snaps. (I had a psychologist prior to lock down, and I am actively working on my attachment issues)
My plan isn’t jumping too quickly back into the relationship or having the reconcile talk too quickly, I feel with our dynamics, the attraction of both physical and emotional is very clearly there, as long as his defense is not up, getting him back is only the matter of time. Especially he wants things to happen naturally, I kinda want to keep the communication channel open until he makes plans to visit (if ever). That would be the day we d most likely having the reconcile talk. I feel as now, we are both testing the water by doing small talks. Him initiating 3 times in a row is definitely a good sign, isn’t it?
He just reached out again 10 minutes ago, he reached out 4 times in 5 days -.-
He gave me a recommendation on what other substitutes I could try get to rather quit completely. I thanked him and he sent a thumb up that was it…..
I don’t know what to think now. He is not a very chatty person, rather introverted, so him reaching out so many times and we literally contact each other almost everyday kinda shows at least his attitude towards getting back to regular contact is probably positive
@dee.dasneves E-cigarettes are available everywhere such as convenient stores and even online. So it just might be that you used that as an excuse to contact him. Isn’t that possible?
You wrote:” 2 weeks after we met I pushed him to introduce me to his family, 2 months after we met I told him I wanted to move in with him”. WOW–OMG!! This isn’t normal.. Common sense would tell you that it’s not sensible to push a guy to meet his family or move in with him so early in a relationship!!! Most couples date for about 6 months or even longer before they move in with each other because they want to get to know the other person very well before taking such an important step. Maybe you could continue therapy online or on the phone with your therapist.
Yeah, his contacts might be a good sign. Like you said, take it slow and casual, but most important is to not pressure him for anything!!
Good luck:)
Hey patricia once again thank you for the response!
Yes I certainly realized somewhere along the line, being pushy to the extent that I was going was clearly unhealthy! I only had 1 serious relationship before him (when I was 19) and that guy basically moved in with me the day we met, I was way too young to know better and there weren’t a parents figure in my life that could teach me how to handle this. 3 months after we were together he started mentioning about getting married. I thought that was what a ‘relationship’ supposed to be.
I am certainly working on myself to have healthier and more realistic relationship expectations. My ex even mentioned that this time when we got back together it felt like we were married, I was pushing for reassurance daily. And that’s what he couldn’t cope with and gave him anxiety, he feels like he can never meet my expectations of a partner. (that’s also what he wants me to change all along and eventually told me he doesn’t think it’s in my nature to take things as it comes when he broke up with me this time)
I have one last question, please could you kindly give me some tips and suggestions on how not to fall into the friendzone? Given that I don’t wanna lay all my cards of I want to get back together on the table as yet cause I feel that way is pushy I d rather have him making first move? He has been initiating contacts but it’s quite strict to business.
Thank you!!
Oh and another thing I wanted to ask. Should I let him initiate a few more times? If he doesn’t text I won’t reach out either? Or should I try to have more contact and reach out when he doesn’t just to keep sort of ‘momentum’ of daily conversations going?
@dee.dasneves You wrote:”My ex even mentioned that this time when we got back together it felt like we were married, I was pushing for reassurance daily. And that’s what he couldn’t cope with and gave him anxiety, he feels like he can never meet my expectations of a partner. (that’s also what he wants me to change all along and eventually told me he doesn’t think it’s in my nature to take things as it comes when he broke up with me this time)” Okay, now you know what changes need to be made!
Pushing for reassurance is (such as assurance of love) is an insult to a man. You have to learn to take his word and be satisfied with it. Most men show their love and concern by the things they do for you, not so much the words. When a man feels like he can’t meet your expectations, it makes him feel inadequate and that’s not a good feeling! He might not think it’s in your nature to take things as they come, but you have the ability to change if you have a strong desire to do so! Men want to be happy in a relationship (women too) and if they aren’t, they want to leave that relationship..
You two dated on and off for 2.5 years so that means he found qualities in you that he liked very much. I think he probably still loves you, but the relationship issues became too difficult for him to endure. So if he still has feelings for you and he’s not involved with someone else, it will be fairly easy for you to re-ignite those feelings.
As far as I can figure, the final break was late Feb or March? The ideal would be to continue friendly casual contact (maybe for every 2 he initiates, you initiate 1) and insert compliments occasionally too. Make him feel special. Maybe use some humor.. Ask how he’s doing in general or with the lock down or ask about his family or work etc. etc. Hopefully if he senses you’ve changed, he might ask for reconciliation at some point.
Wishing you luck.
Wow patricia (if that’s your real name lol), you are brilliant and hitting the nail on the head 100%! Really appreciate your input!
I am a big sucker for reassurance through words, I only realized very recently what everyone meant by ‘don’t ask for reassurance’, what could I do to make him see I have changed?
Just a side note, although he has been reaching out regularly and I have been exiting conversations as fast as possible, the conversation starts getting dryer and dryer, I tried to direct the conversation off the topic from the e cigarette, but he just kinda gave me generic answers like ‘oh that looks great’ and leave like that. I am so confused.
And yes, we broke up in the beginning of March, but then corona hit the same week and we kinda stayed in contact(he initiated for us to talk daily) for another month, we still occasionally saw each other and had sex once or twice in between.
Then our 2.5 years anniversary came, I had the mind set of I will try one more time if he still doesn’t wanna work things out I will go into no contact as my last resort and end the limbo situation. I did, and he said he doesn’t think he has the energy to work things out cause he doesn’t see me changing either, if I think it’s better for me to move on then he respects my decision and we don’t need to talk daily. (That was my proposal to oppose of working things out) and this links back to my post 04/27.
I am beginning to feel like he was just contacting me for the device? Like really one smoker to another s friendly love during this cigarette ban?
I don’t think he was contacting you for the device persé. But more in a sense of, you guys had a deep bond that was created over a span of two years and a half. So he definitely feels comfortable talking to you and is attached to you in some degree.
What does bother me is that the flame is not being reignited and you’re saying that the conversations are becoming dull? Which makes me think you might’ve really ended NC prematurely the first time around.
Everyone’s different of course, but the options I see you getting are: a) trying to flirt and see for some reaction b) immediately distance yourself and try NC anew.
But I wouldn’t stick around in this situation. Like you mentioned this could possibly be a recipe for the friend zone aka the nono zone.@dee.dasneves There was more than one break and the last was only 2 1/2 months ago so of course he would be reluctant to believe you’ve changed for the better. And using ‘tricks’ was a sign of desperation and he probably sensed it. You were too intense, clingy and needy..
I was surprised to hear you saw him in person more recently and had sex. Surely you know if it was once or twice. Anyway, sex won’t solve the underlying issues and it’s probably best not to give him something that only a “girlfriend” would give. Otherwise he might begin to think why ask for reconciliation.
You can’t convince him by saying you’ve changed, you have to show him by your actions and the words you use when interacting with him. The most important thing you can do now is not to ask about the relationship at this point. Apparently he’s not of the mindset to be flirty with you right now and that’s okay and understandable. You need to go with the flow and allow him to see you as someone who is happy and compatible with him.
Personally, I don’t believe in tarot card readers or fortune tellers as they’re in it for the money and usually tell people what they want to hear. I only believe in common sense!
Hey! Thank you so much for your response!
I have realized that my problems and mistakes are mainly pushing too hard… so I think the flirting thing right now is probably not an option, I did send him a kissy emoji somewhere in the past couple of days and he didn’t send back. That for me is not inviting at all.
So I guess for now I have no other options but to keep silent and mirroring his action. The conversation was extremely dull yesterday he reached out but then pretty much ignored me after I sent a question.
I do think I did break the no contact prematurely, I was gonna at least wait for another month, but then again I had pretty much no choice at that stage but to reach out. 🙈🙈🙈
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