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Boards Not Your Ex Girl I was seeing for a month doesn’t want a relationship.

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  • #111755
    • Total Posts: 1

    23M here, formerly dating a 20F. We met via Tinder.

    So, I’ll try to summarize my situation in as less words as possible, but I want to be detailed too, so that you guys don’t miss any key detail.

    I had quit my former job in December last year, and was home for 2 months, learning new skills and applying like crazy. My only social interaction was the gym on weekdays in the evening, as well as college once or twice a week(I’m in the final year of my Masters). With time, I lost interest and burnt out, and just had way too much free time. A week later, I matched with this cute, attractive girl on Tinder. Didn’t think of it much back then, but she eventually asked for my number the same day we matched and asked me out! I wasn’t used to this, so it was a pleasant surprise. She told me she found it “refreshing” to talk to me, compared to her other Hinge matches, who were too forward with their intentions, or just asked her for drinks without even building up a rapport with her.

    We chatted for 5 days, and met. We had been on 5 dates in total. Even when chatting with her, I felt an instant connect with her, that I never felt for any girl(and I’ve dated quite some girls). She said she felt the same. I never felt like she was a stranger and we opened up about our insecurities, some past traumas, talked about our kinks, etc. It was a pretty exciting phase.

    Our first date went extremely well, considering she had mild social anxiety, and described herself as a “shy, awkward introvert”. We both uninstalled Tinder and she told me she wasn’t seeing anyone else, and I told her I wasn’t too.
    She then invited me to her house for the second date, but the plan got canceled, because of some issues. However, we held hands during the second date, and kissed during the third and the fourth date. All these dates lasted 12+ hours on average, and I could only meet her once/twice a week because of her schedule. During these dates, we bonded very well, and opened up to each other a lot more. I was getting the “relationship” vibes from her.
    She invited me home again for the fifth date for the weekend, and it was electrifying to say the least, because we heavily made out almost all the time.

    So, she eventually brought up the “What are we” talk and asked what I was looking for. I asked her to tell me first, and she told me she wasn’t looking for anything serious, as she was planning to travel abroad for a couple of months in a month and a half for her college work. She told me she felt that she’d change after the trip and “feel” differently for me. Then she asked me what I was looking for, to which I said that I thought that whatever we had was eventually gonna lead to a committed relationship, to which she said that she kind of got that “vibe” from me earlier. She told me that we could date till our exams started(in May), but split up after that.

    I lost all rational thought because of how caught up in the moment I was, and told her that I was OK with what she wanted(even though I wasn’t). We continued making out, and it almost led to sex, but I felt I wasn’t ready yet, because I had told her on chat before we met for the first date that I would only like to have sex with someone I really love. At night, I thought that this was gonna end soon enough anyway, so I revealed to her that I used to feel anxious whenever she took too long to reply(more than half a day or so), because I was ghosted too many times in the past, which made me worried about it. She told me that she was dealing with some personal issues, so she didn’t reply, and reassured me that it hadn’t anything to do with me.

    So the next morning, she suddenly acted distant and closed off. Eventually, she told me that we should end things then and there, instead of dragging it till April, because she felt she was confused, wasn’t in the right headspace, told me she had commitment issues(but wasn’t against relationships), etc. This obviously made me anxious. She could make out from my face that I was dejected, but even then I told her that I was okay with her new decision, but told her that the “offer is open” should she change her mind after her trip, but that I wouldn’t sit and wait for her, and that I’d focus on moving on. We kissed one last time and hugged, and I told her that we could stay in touch. Though, I planned to go No Contact to heal.

    The drive home was obviously tough, but I pulled through. She then suddenly texted me asking me if I reached home safe to which I replied in the affirmative, and the conversation ended there. Then, she suddenly texted me telling me how we watched the wrong movie and other random crap, and the conversation went on for a while.

    After this, she initiated the conversation again multiple times, asking me I had watched a specific show, asking me for a small help with something, and one time discussing philosophy with me. The gap between the initiations was usually 3 days to a week. I always replied to her nicely, but acted a little withdrawn and distant, and she started sounding more and more excited with her messages(exclamation marks, long texts, etc) which obviously took me aback, because I didn’t expect her to initiate conversations each time(she rarely initiated the conversation when we dated).

    I was obviously depressed in the start, but now I’m trying to move on from her, although I still kind of like her. Not initiating the conversations and not talking to her much has really helped me.

    I also realized I have an “anxious attachment style” and she has an “avoidant attachment style”.
    I started therapy, meditation, have started going to the gym again and put on some muscle which I lost, got a new haircut, improved my wardrobe, joined a martial arts class, started learning new stuff on my guitar again as well as started writing short stories/sketching drawings, gained interest in reading again, and I have planned a solo trip after my exams to learn to be independent and learn new cultures, get out of my comfort zone, etc. All of this has also helped me move on day by day. I also decided that online dating wasn’t my forte, and that I’d not date anyone till I improve myself.

    But a couple of days back, when swiping through Tinder out of boredom(I reinstalled), I saw that she unmatched me, and eventually stumbled across her profile when mindlessly swiping like a drone. She had a new set of pictures. It caught me off guard, and ngl, it stung for a while, given that she reinstalled Tinder.

    I guess this whole thing sounded more like a rant than a question, but I wanted you guys’ advice on how I should approach this thing further. I am focusing on moving on, and the ball is in her court, yet I’m confused about what to do further. Thanks.

    • Total Posts: 2847

    You two aren’t on the same page. You would consider a relationship and she doesn’t want one!
    This is going nowhere..

    Focus on getting a job and school. Ignore her messages and delete her.

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