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It’s a very long story but I’ll try to condense it. I’m a barmaid and have known a customer for years. We started getting close and eventually he tried it on. We had a couple of meets and said we wanted a relationship but tbh I think he just wanted sex as he seemed reluctant to meet outside of that and was very pushy for sex. He’s slept with me and binned me off 3 times over 6 or so months. In the end I asked him to commit or I walk and he didnt reply so I just said fair enough, no hard feelings. I didnt see or speak to him for a while after that but when I saw him in the pub we were getting along really well, joking around and laughing as we always had done, it was all going fine until I messaged him asking him to go for a coffee. He didnt reply, and after that he was a bit arsy with me in the pub for 3 days, on the 3rd day he said something that upset me, I’m sure he didnt mean to upset me a lot but I started crying in the back of the bar and when another barmaid had a go at him for it he got his back up with her. I didnt see or speak to him for 5 days after that, then he unfriended me on Facebook and came into the pub and was going out of his way to blank me and make it obvious he wasn’t talking to me. He was even staring me down when I went to collect glasses and I was feeling really uncomfortable with it. Eventually I started to feel so anxious that after 2 weeks I caved and messaged him to apologise and say I just want to go back to being friends. He read the message but didnt reply. He came into the pub 2 days later and was friendly as if nothing had happened and we were getting along okay and I even sat with him and his friends after work and it was all fine, so I thought that was the end of it. However, in the pub the next day I was sat with his friends and he seemed to be avoiding me and didnt seem to want me there, wasn’t speaking to me unless I spoke to him and he was being off and didn’t seem to want to talk to me. When he left he made the effort to say bye to everyone except me, and was being really friendly and overly flirty with another girl and bought drinks for a couple of girls in his friend group.
I was in the pub again 2 days later just for a drink. I wasnt with him or his friends but he did see me in the pub and seemed to be avoiding looking my way, although I could be over thinking that.Today, 3 days later, he was in the pub again and was civil enough while I was serving him and I was speaking to him and his friends outside and he was making the effort to speak to and acknowledge me. I sat with him and his friends after work and again, he was speaking to me and not attempting to avoiding speaking to me, but he was being flirty and tactile with the other girls in his friend group, which he is often like anyway, but not with me. He moved his seat away from me a bit and had cold body language.
Honestly? How do I read his behaviour?? He was being completely fine and jokey with me until I asked him for a coffee, and that seemed to trigger something, and then since becoming upset he has gone cold with me and I have no idea why. I thought we were going back to being friends and I honestly dont understand his behaviour at all, or where I stand or where I ever stood with him.
Honestly I am in love with him, I would like him to be my boyfriend and I want to know if I can turn this situation into a relationship and how to go about it, but at the very least I want to know what the hell is going on with him.
I can give more details if needed because there is a lot more to the story@Garnet OMG! This sounds like a story of an intense infatuation, not love. There’s no way you can make him want a relationship if he doesn’t want one. I think you can read his behavior as a guy who does not want a relationship with you and is trying to give you that message without saying the words. He wants to be free to chase other girls. You told him you would walk if he didn’t commit to a relationship so isn’t it time you walk away?
I’m curious as to what your friends and family think of the situation.
Maybe stop chasing him and he would start pursuing you. But he doesn’t sound like a guy who would treat you well in the long run..
Hi
Well my sister has known him for years as well and shes completely confused by his behaviour as he is a really nice guy and she doesnt know where this is all coming from. I was shocked by it as well. Some of my other friends think he just wants sex and maybe he’s become hostile because he’s realised he isn’t going to get it from me.
It was all going great at the start and he told me he wanted a relationship and was keen to meet me, albeit quite pushy for sex, until he found out his parents were sick and that was when the off and on hot and cold stuff began. I tried to be there and support him through it but he completely shut down. I’m also a bit worried he might have thought I would eventually leave him or not take him seriously because my head was a bit puzzled at the start and I was possibly giving him mixed signals myself, although I didn’t mean to. I did tell him I loved him when I was drunk but he freaked out over that when we were sober so I just said I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant I cared about him. In hindsight I wish I’d told him I’d truth because it probably seemed like I was pushing him away or only after sex myself.
Honestly though we got on so well as friends, even after our fling stopped we were getting along like a house on fire and I felt great about the situation, when I invited him for a coffee I did mean as friends, I didnt specify that because I thought it was obvious but maybe he took it the wrong way as that was when the hostility began. But I honestly dont know why he’s being so cold with me now when I’ve made it clear a few times I’m fine with being friends and I just want us to get along, which I thought we were doing but he’s started being obviously cold with me and I don’t know what the issue is.@Garnet It’s obvious to him and to me that you actually want to be more than friends! His puzzling behavior indicates he does not want a committed relationship with you. Instead of trying to understand or find reasons for his behavior, just be professional/courteous whenever he comes into the bar.
It sounds like you’re a nice person, but he’s actually not as nice as you or your sister thought. A nice/decent person would have had a conversation with you to explain his reasons for not wanting a relationship. But instead he chose to treat you with weirdness and coldness. Try to look at it as a sign that he would not make a good partner.
I suggest you date other men and try to find one who would treat you well..
Good luck:)
I suppose you are right… I do want a relationship with him, I’ve always said that, but I appreciate he has his parents to deal with so I’ve also said all along I’m fine with just being friends if that isnt what he wants, and up until him upsetting me I thought that’s what we were because we were getting along really well until that point, and once I apologised I thought we were just friends again because we were getting along fine, then he suddenly started with the coldness. I really dont know what his issue is, he’s acting like he’s bitter about me dumping him but he was the one that didnt want to take it further so he has nothing to be bitter about, I really dont get it. Maybe he was hoping I would always be open for sex, but he has other options for that so I dont see why that would be an issue. I just want to restore the friendship, we used to have a great laugh and got along so well, I would talk to him about issues with my ex etc and we were close until this all started
@Garnet To me, it sounds like you’re looking for excuses for his bad behavior. You’re driving yourself crazy trying to find one, but there is no legitimate excuse for the way he’s been treating you. And a “nice” man wouldn’t act the way he’s been acting!
Of course he was hoping you would be open for sex and now he’s upset that he can’t add you to his list of conquests.
I’m sure there are other guys with whom you can get along well with, share laughs and confidences, etc.. Think about it okay?
And please stay safe at the bar! COVID-19 is very contagious.
He started dating someone else… he hasnt put the relationship anywhere on social media, but he brought her into the pub on my shift. I was away at the time which he didnt know about, so a colleague told me.
He also got a new dog a couple of weeks ago which he named Harley. That was our in joke, I was Harley Quinn and always called him Mr. J. He never ever uses his Instagram, hasnt done in over a year, but I follow him on there and he posted the dog on there with its name. He didnt put it on Facebook, which I’m no longer on and which he uses fairly regularly.
I dont know if it’s all a coincidence or if he’s doing it for my attention… and I dont know how to react or what to do.
I know he treated me badly and I should forget him, but I still have feelings for him. We had circumstances stopping us making a proper go of it, and I just want a real chance to do that. I don’t know if that’s possible, or how to go about it@Garnet Seems it’s more bad behavior.. Posting things he knows will hurt you and make you question his behavior!
I suggest you stop focusing on the good times and what could have been..
Look at how he’s treating you now!!! Disgusting, humiliating, hurtful etc..
He’s dating someone else so there’s nothing you can do to change his mind or coax him to want you.
Please, for the sake of your own emotional well-being, face the facts as they are now and stop torturing yourself with obsessive thoughts about how to get him back. If he really wanted to be with you nothing would have stopped him from doing so.
I understand what you’re saying… I’ve tried to move on, been on dates etc but I’m not having any luck and whenever I try to move on something stops it. It’s like the universe isn’t letting me give up! Or maybe that’s just my own mentality.
He’s actually been really friendly to me the last couple of shifts, which is confusing because I think things are getting more serious with the new girl, and yet me and him are getting along better, even though he was being distant with me when they were starting out.
I dont know whether hes just happy in general and has moved on to the point where he can be friendly to me again tbh. But I see him so often, every time I see him I’m crushed.@Garnet Yes, it’s your own thoughts that’s preventing you from moving on. Please stop obsessing about him and give the other guys a chance, but choose wisely as to who you go out with.. I have an idea you think of your ex whenever you’re with a new guy.
Try not to “read anything” into his recent nicer behavior as it will pull you back into “hope”..
When you see him you’re crushed because you’re still hoping that he will come running back to you.
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