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  • #59229
    Avatarhula2beach
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 1

    I feel like I can’t get full clarity what is going on with a guy I’ve known for 7 years, and wanted to see if there’s maybe a blind spot that could be pointed out to me in this situation.

    So, we met 7 years ago. We spent all of our time together and were best friends, and there was also a lot of attraction/ sexual tension between us. We spent a summer together, but I was moving across the country that fall and we never officially dated. However, we always had a lot of love and respect for one another as individuals which we both verbally expressed. Once I moved, it had been about 6 months before I suggested, and we both agreed, it was a good idea to move on. Eventually we both started long-term relationships with other people. We did stay in contact as friends, texting occasionally.

    Then, about a year and a half ago, he broke up with his girlfriend and divulged that some of their issues related to him not really being able to move on from the feelings he had for me. He also revealed that he wanted us to give things a chance. I questioned his motives and expressed my hesitations, given that he had just broken up from a long term relationship. I didnt mind being his friend but the last thing I wanted was to be a rebound. For months I was on the fence about letting myself have feeligs for him at all. He pulled out all the stops and for months continued his efforts to get me interested, and I eventually went for it because it was fun and enjoyable, but still had reservations if it was a good idea or not to get involved emotionally with him.

    So about a year goes by, and then this past summer I spent time with my family about 20 miles from where he now lives. We saw each other a handful of times and it was fun and felt great. BUT, overall, I felt let down because I think he didn’t make enough time or effort to get together, and seemed to always make weekend plans with his friends instead of trying to see me. I expressed my frustration to him that I was confused why he came onto me so strongly but then didn’t make time to see me. Mistake I guess. Before I know it, he pulls the “just got out of a relationship / trying to get my life together/ figuring myself out” card, and became less affectionate and less responsive in communicating with me. I can only assume he interpreted my disappointment as being too demanding or needy even though I really wasn’t (and still am not) certain if I even wanted to be in any sort of relationship with him at all. I dropped the topic, but it didn’t sit well with me, since he spent a year pursuing me only for his actions to fall flat. I felt misled. When I hinted at removing myself from the equation, he said it wasn’t what he wanted but he would respect it if I needed space.

    I left and although we are still currently in communication with each other, it has changed considerably. It now seems stale and boring to me. I don’t text him the way I used to (I probably send 5% the amount of texts as before). I only communicate in a positive/ conversational way, but feel like I am not getting to express myself the way I want. On his side, he’s much slower to reply my texts than he used to be (he waits sometimes 12-24 hours to respond to me instead of within an hour or two), but I haven’t and don’t plan to let him know that it makes me think he is a jerk. When he is slow to respond, I usually don’t follow up on the conversation, and sometimes I ignore him for a week or two. When I do that he continues to text me and I can tell that he becomes increasingly concerned I’m done or over it. But when I start minimally talking to him again, his behavior is the same. I think he ignores me and purposefully waits to text me back. I ignore it, but wonder if he is trying to make me mad or get a reaction out of me?

    I know that he cares about me and doesn’t want to cut ties with me, but his behavior and communication just are not good enough for me. I want / deserve someone who is attentive to me and interested in my life, who shows me I mean a lot to them / otherwise I’d rather be single. In fact I’ve never had a problem being happy alone.

    I guess I really don’t know what he is doing here. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s possible he’s leading me on, doesn’t want to close the door for good, but also doesn’t seem willing to make a full fledged effort anymore… or maybe my dwindling communication has led him to think I don’t care anymore and he stopped trying.

    Although I wish he would want to step up, I don’t feel like I need him or anyone who doesn’t positively contribute to my life. I’m soooo close to ending the romantic aspects and probably our friendship too.

    It’s just gotten weird and not fun anymore.

    Is there any way to turn the situation around, and make it fun and enjoyable like it used to be?

    Am I being too quick to call it quits, or am I the one being negative by ignoring his late (as I see them) responses? Is there a blind spot or something I’m not seeing clearly here? Is it valid for me to assume he’s ignoring me and to in return brush him off?

    Should I try 30 days NC to see if it changes anything?

    Also, there was no actual “breakup” in technical terms so should I first make it a point to say whatever it was is over before going off the radar for the 30 days?

    If I do decide to end it for good and make it an indefinite NC, should I tell him or just cold turkey stop talking to him?

    As a side note – I’m financially secure, run my own successful business, and own a home. He’s not there yet and I think it factors into both how he feels about himself and how he interacts with me. Possibly in a bigger way than I realize?

    I know I asked a lot of questions, and wrote novel to explain the situation, haha, so I don’t expect answers really, I was more than anything trying to convey my confusion and thought process….

    Even just a single phrase or sentence on your takeaway would be so much appreciated!

    Thanks!!

    #59324
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    If you truly wanted to be only friends, it wouldn’t bother you how much or how little contact he has with you. It seems you want a loving committed relationship, but he doesn’t,and he’s had more than enough time to figure things out since he split with the girlfriend. It also seems you’ve never told him what you want, although he may have guessed it. Anyway, maybe you should have a calm discussion about what you both want from each other. If he wants to just be friends, and you can accept that, then be friends without stipulations. If you want more and he seems uncertain, then try no contact for 30 days, but give up and move on if he continues with the friend stuff. It will hurt you too much if the desire for more is only one-sided. You’ve been friends a long time and of course he doesn’t want to loose that, but you can’t control his emotions. You have to decide what is best for you.

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