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Boards No Contact Rule 3.5 months after no-contact

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #115027
    Avatarjxu83
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    Some background: I’m in my early 40s and my ex girlfriend is in her mid 30s. I have a busy but fulfilling career that I loved. She moved to my city about 3 years ago for her current job and I have lived in this city for 20 years.

    We both have kids from a previous marriage and we were both born from a different country and share a similar culture background and same native language.

    We met on a dating site. I had wanted to spend more time knowing each other before a committed relationship. She tried hard to impress me and told me how much she fell in love with me for the first time when we met. I knew she was telling the truth because the way she stared at me when we were together. Furthermore, I do like her as an attractive girl to me.
    We ended up starting our relationship really fast, within 1 week when we first met to be exactly.

    Our relationship was bumpy. I’m the kind of guy who likes to “get straight to the point” and never wanted to play guess games. More importantly, I wasn’t as heated up as her at the early stage of our relationship. Admittedly, I didn’t do a good job as a boyfriend and I didn’t give her the attention she deserved. I used different excuses such as my career and kid when I could not give her the time or attention she wanted. However, I did treat this relationship as a fully committed and serious one. We introduced each other to all our inner circles such as close friends, colleagues and our parents and kids.

    On the other hand, she was extremely sensitive, emotional and insecure. She had brought up breakup many times to me because she felt I didn’t love her enough. She once wrote a long email to me. She explained that she was not confident enough and she was not the “independent” girl that I thought. There are many times she was upset for the little things but she was too afraid to tell me. She was concerned if I would treat her as a “drama queen” and I would stop loving her. (I had told her that I broke with my last girlfriend because she was a drama queen.) She said she loved and cared about me so much and she started worrying about how I think of her all the time. She was at the tipping point of depression if she continued loving me.

    Things were manageable for most of the time, when I was able to comfort her and ask her to stay in this relationship. It turned south when we were 3.5 months into the relationship. I had injured my hamstring during a basketball game, which I immediately let her know that I had to work from home and avoid commuting for a while since that day. Two days later, she called me and brought up the breakup again. I tried hard to poke for an answer for what might upset her but she didn’t tell me. My immediate guess was she was making “drama” because I could not visit her due to my injury. I became upset and a little mad at her. I felt abandoned at the time I needed her most. I told her I don’t know what to say if she was informing me of her decision without telling me any reasons. We hung up and didn’t speak for 3 months. (To be honest, at this point I have never heard of no-contact rule) I took a break from this relationship to get a feeling of living without her and considering breaking up might be a good choice.

    I was mad and angry at the beginning but eventually started missing her more and more. 3.5 months after our last phone call, I texted her to tell her I missed her and I wanted to be back. She start dodging at the beginning but eventually told me that she had already started a new relationship for over 2 months. We burst into tears over the phone when she asked me why I didn’t contact her right after the breakup phone call and I told her how regrettable I was. Her boyfriend, who she met at a friend’s dinner, helped her so much when she was most vulnerable as a single mom with a demanding job in the cov19 pandemic. This time, she was not afraid of telling me about all the little things that I didn’t do for her or upset her. She told me her new boyfriend is willing to give all his time to her and treat her as the highest priority. Her boyfriend would do everything she wanted.

    She told me her new boyfriend was loving her as hard as when she had loved me. She told me she cannot give up her new boyfriend, who she thought is innocent. She must take this responsibility even though she does not know where this relationship could go. She is more relaxed in this relationship now. She blocked me on every social media and asked me to move on. I agreed and have not contacted her since.

    What can I do next?

    #115049
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @jxu83 It’s vague as to how long you were in the relationship(?).

    You can learn from this experience in able to have a better happier relationship with her in the future or with someone else. Either you didn’t provide enough time/attention, caring, understanding, support, and affection, OR she has low self-esteem and was too needy. Career and your child are not “excuses” if they were legitimate reasons for not being with her as often as you both wanted. Women can sense when they aren’t treated as a priority. Men can do many things to let them know that a special woman is a priority. Calling, texting, emailing, giving gifts and compliments occasionally, etc..

    As a side note; women are not drama queens for wanting to talk about needs and desires in a calm manner for a good relationship. And caring men listen and make changes if necessary and appropriate. This goes both ways, men should be able to voices their concerns without offending the woman.

    There’s nothing you can do at this point. She is with someone else (apparently happy) and asked you to move on. You have no choice but to move on if you are to respect her request.

    #115065
    Avatarjxu83
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2

    [email protected], my relationship with her only lasted 3.5 months.

    Yes, I have no choice but moving on. So painful.

    #115066
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2823

    @jxu83 The first few months are the infatuation stage and as two people get to know each other, the flaws of each become more apparent. Incompatibility/unhappiness/unmet needs/physical or mental abuse/personality differences/jealousy/substance abuse/controlling tendencies/life style differences/ and a myriad of other things contribute to breakups. You were together a short time and she was obviously unhappy with the relationship so she ended it.

    I’m sorry it’s been painful for you, but you will feel better over time..

    Take care and stay safe.

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