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Boards No Contact Rule 23 days of NC

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • #113532
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Hey everyone,
    I’m on my 23rd day of NC. Im planning on going for 45 days. So I’m half way there. He hasn’t messaged or called me. I’m not gonna lie I occasionally see his instagram to see if he still has me as a friend and if he still had the pictures me and the places we visited. He still does. I’m not sure if it means something but I haven’t deleted our pictures together either.

    Anyways, I feel like I haven’t really worked on myself. I am in the process of looking for a therapist though because I know I need to work on myself deeply. I’ve only met up with one friend to talk about the breakup but not really to hangout and have fun. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on what to do while I’m on NC?

    Thank you.

    #113537
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 I read your other post. I might be wrong, but it seems you gave him the 3rd degree too many times! Also signs of jealousy were apparent. You should never ask a boyfriend if there’s someone else because it shows you’re suspicious of him cheating. So unless you have proof, don’t mention other women! It’s reasonable to ask what’s wrong if he’s been emotionally distant for some time, but everyone has bad days and jumping to conclusions isn’t good for any relationship..

    I’m glad you’re looking for a therapist. But maybe your ex would benefit from counseling too as it seems he has low self esteem.

    Don’t pay too much attention to social media. It only causes you to guess what everything means and that won’t help your situation.

    Continue to make any needed improvements and think of ways you could better interact with him in the future if you get the chance..

    Good luck:)

    #113542
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12

    I know, when he went hiking I just asked if he went with someone else because I didn’t want him to hide it from me. It was really okay if he did. To me it was more why not just tell me and keep it a secret? When we had the talk after he broke up with me I asked if it was someone else because (at the time) I couldn’t think of any other reason but that one for him breaking up with me. But yes, you’re right. I didn’t have any proof so I shouldn’t have had mentioned it at all.

    He really needs to see a therapist too. I told him that during our talk. That was one of the reasons why I told his best friend’s girlfriend. So that they would encourage and support him to get therapy. But I don’t think he will. I always encouraged him to go to the doctor’s just to get a check up or when he was sick and he would never listen to me.

    Thank you @patricia12, I am really hopeful. I’m taking it day by day now and I’m hoping I’ll be ready when I do see/talk to him.

    #113544
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 You shouldn’t have asked if he went hiking with someone else! And after he broke up with you instead of asking if there was someone else, you should have just simply asked for his reasons for the breakup! I think you now understand that by asking those types questions, you showed your suspicious nature and mistrust for him.

    Encouraging a guy to go for a checkup is okay, but if you repeatedly asked him, he’s going to think of it as nagging. Most guys don’t like to go to the doctor unless they’re very sick. And suggesting he see a therapist is okay, if you only did it once. He knew you cared for his well being and that your intentions were good. He would have remembered your advice without you saying it over and over.

    Hopefully you will soon find a therapist and try to work through whatever flaws you think you might have so that a future relationship (whether with your ex or someone else) will be healthier and happier:)

    Best wishes..

    #113593
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12

    I understand now, I shouldn’t have asked any of that and I should’ve thought thru what I was going to say before.

    Even when he was really sick he wouldn’t go. It mostly had to do because he didn’t have insurance and he didn’t want to pay out of his own pocket. But yeah, I don’t think I nagged all the time but just reminded him it was important for him to go.

    I found a therapist and I hope I will be able to start my sessions soon! So I am very excited and happy about that. Also he texted me yesterday! Not sure because of Thanksgiving (here in the US) or because a month of NC had passed. He wished me well and a good Thanksgiving for me and my family. He mentioned how he was thankful that me and my family welcomed him to our home and allowed him to be part of a bigger family than what he has. I replied back that I was doing well and I was just getting better from a cold. And I wished him and his mom a good Thanksgiving too. He asked me about my health and after that we kept the conversation going. In the end I told him I really missed talking to him in general and that there was no pressure but I hoped we were able to hangout soon. His response was that he did too and he talked about how the transition to being friends was odd but that catching up was nice. And that the idea of hanging out sounded good and that we can set something up. I texted him back but he hasn’t responded back so its ok.

    I’m guessing this is good progress?

    #113594
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    Also I created a profile for online dating and I’ve been talking to a few guys. I haven’t gone on a date with any of them and most of the conversations don’t even carry on for the day so it’s been alright.

    #113595
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 Sounds like you had a nice text conversation with him, but be careful in the future not to drag out “talking” too long..

    Glad to hear you’re starting therapy sessions soon. Let us know how it goes, okay?

    Good luck with the online dating thing too..

    Take good care of yourself:)

    #113596
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 PS: Yes, some progress has been made. You said you were going to do no contact for 45 days, so you have about 2 more weeks to go.. Let him be the one to contact you now (if he will) to set up a day and time for a get together hangout.

    #113597
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12 what do you mean? Regarding the “dragging out “talking” too long”?

    I definitely will! Thank you. 🙂

    Yes, I am still going to do that. I’m going to let him take the initiative to talk to me first and also to set up the hangout. Thank you Patricia!

    #113598
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 Sometimes too much texting can become tedious and boring. Keep it to a minimum if you can. Phone calls can be much more personal. Glad you’re going to let him take the initiative to set up the hangout! In the mean time, continue to stay strong and don’t contact him.. Best of luck:)

    #113599
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12
    Ohhh, yes I agree with that. And to be honest I’ve never liked talking on the phone. He knows it and when we were together he would still call me when he would get off from work and I loved talking to him. I think if I do call him (eventually) he will be surprised in a good way and know that I’m coming out of my comfort zone.

    Yess, I will! Thank you!! ☺️

    #113665
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 Have you heard from your ex to set up a hangout? If you haven’t heard from him, what are you going to say when you finish no contact? Are you going to call him on the phone? One thing for sure, don’t ask any jealoustype questions! You know, a lot of guys prefer in person or phone communications as it’s more personal than texting. So… breaking out of your comfort zone would be a good thing:) Like I said, texting can get boring and tedious after a while..

    Have you started therapy yet? Why do you think your ex needs therapy? Another thing, don’t talk about your ex behind his back anymore– to anyone for any reason (unless a matter of life/death).

    Have you gone out on any dates yet?

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by Avatarpatricia12.
    #113669
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    @patricia12
    I haven’t, he hasn’t contacted me at all. I am about to end my 45 day of NC on thursday but I am considering doing a couple more days. I don’t know what I’m going to say and that’s one of the reasons why I think I should still do NC. I really want to call him but I’m just so nervous about it and I know he’s going to find it so odd that I am calling him out of nowhere. I’m not going to ask any jealous type questions, that hasn’t been on mind at all.

    I have! I had my first session on Monday, that was the last time I talked about my breakup. I think he needs therapy because I feel like he was never able to have that proper grief when his dad passed away. Like he has been carrying all of that since then. That and just all the things he would say about himself.
    I haven’t talked about him to anyone, I’ve just kept it to myself whenever i think about him or I write it down on my journal.

    I haven’t gone on any dates. I guess I am being picky about it, not because I expect to have a connection with someone but some of the guys think they’ll have more than just a cup of coffee..

    #113673
    Avatarpatricia12
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 2769

    @xicana17 I know you want to be helpful, but it’s not your job to advise therapy for his grieving process. When did his father die? Grieving for the loss of a parent takes a very long time. Perhaps his mother will suggest therapy if she sees her son having a prolonged difficult time coping.. What kind of things does he say about himself? Indications of low self-esteem or what?

    How old is he? Does he live with his mom or is he out on his own?

    In the past, you had intervened by talking with his best friend’s girlfriend. Please don’t do that anymore..

    I understand you want to help, but sometimes it’s not appropriate. When you’re in a relationship, it’s supportive to make suggestions, but repeating yourself over and over about the same thing is thought of as nagging..

    After a few more days you could call and ask how he’s doing, but keep it casual and brief. If he doesn’t mention a hangout, don’t mention it either. It has to be his idea..

    #113680
    Avatarxicana17
    Participant
    • Total Posts: 29

    I know that but it wasn’t just that. I suggested therapy because he also has low self-esteem. I didn’t want to go into detail but I feel like it would be more understandable as to why I suggested for him to get therapy. The day after he broke up with me and we spoke in person he told me that when he was on the trip with his friends he wished something would happen to him so he wouldn’t come back. Imagine hearing that from the person you loved the most? It just broke my heart and I knew there was something bigger going on with him. There were other things he told me too, how he was unhappy with where he was at (regarding his job). But that he had no other choice but to be there because he was helping his mom a lot. I hope he did talk to his mother, I really do. But I don’t think she would suggest for him to go to therapy. In our type of community it is very rare for middle-aged parents to suggest that. Even in my case, I haven’t even told my parents/family I am seeing a therapist.
    He is in his early 30s. Yes, he is living with his mother. When we talked about moving in together in the future he mentioned to me that he wasn’t leaving his mother on his own and I told him that I was perfectly fine with that. That between the three of us we would buy a house. He was really happy about that, and he even told his mother about it.
    I haven’t, that was the first and last time I did that. I just wanted to make sure he had a support system.
    Okay, I think I will call him next week.

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